Beyond Swiping Finding Authentic Connections in Seattle

Are You Ready to Rethink How You Date?

Tired of endlessly swiping on dating apps and feeling like you're spinning your wheels? In this episode, I sit down with Rozie Erlewine, a compassionate matchmaker and polyamorous community organizer who’s been helping people connect in the Seattle polyamory scene since 2017. Rozie, the founder of Seattle Inclusive Matchmaking and host of polyamorous speed dating events, brings fresh ideas to creating real, intentional connections outside the apps.  

Here’s What We Talk About:
✨ How Seattle’s polyamory scene has evolved over the years  
✨ Why polyamorous speed dating is changing the game for non-monogamous folks  
✨ The power of slowing down and dating with purpose  
✨ Honest tips for navigating jealousy and insecurity in non-monogamous relationships  
✨ How to build a solid support network within the polyamorous community  

Why Rozie’s Approach Stands Out:
💡 She takes the time to understand people’s unique relationship goals and styles 
💡 Her events and services focus on shared values and long-term compatibility  
💡 She’s all about fostering community and creating spaces where people can truly connect  

If you’re new to polyamory, curious about alternative ways to meet people, or just looking to refresh your approach to dating, this episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt insights.  

"Finding that balance between commitment and independence in polyamory can be tricky, but it’s magical when you meet people who align with your values."  

Join me for this fun and thought-provoking conversation, where we explore how to make dating more meaningful in the world of ethical non-monogamy.  

Oh, and don’t forget to check out Rozie’s affordable, inclusive matchmaking services—you might just find your next connection waiting for you! https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61566891230288

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Transcript

Ellecia: 0:00

If you're tired of swiping endlessly on dating apps and feeling like you're getting nowhere, you're going to love this episode. Hi, it's E, your friendly, non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to. Nope, we're Not Monogamous.

Ellecia: 0:14

So I'm chatting with Rozzy Erlewine, a compassionate matchmaker and a relationship nerd who's been organizing in the Seattle polyamory scene since like 2017. She is the founder of Seattle Inclusive Matchmaking and hosts polyamorous speed dating events. Yes, that's a thing and it sounds amazing. Rozzy and I talked about everything from how poly speed dating is bringing people together to the importance of slowing down and dating with intention, and we dig into some big stuff like dealing with jealousy and finding your values in your relationships, and why dating apps can feel so freaking frustrating and what to do instead, and how to build connections that go beyond the surface, and what it really means to work on yourself before diving into new relationships. Rozzy is all about spreading good vibes and helping people find happiness in their connections.

Ellecia: 1:06

So, whether you're new to polyamory, curious about matchmaking or just trying to like figure out your next steps, this episode's full of tips and insights to inspire you. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast if you're loving these conversations, if you're getting anything out of them. It really helps us reach more people, helps us keep the dialogue open. So I hope you enjoy. Let's go. First of all, thanks for coming on the show yeah, of course and being patient with me and all my tech issues Happens to the best of

Ellecia: 1:41

us Right, yes, um, right, yes, I. Oh, okay, I I want to ask you a whole bunch about, like speed dating and match. Well, first of all, okay, so I have seen your posts, like in the seattle I don't remember one of the seattle polyamory groups and I was like that sounds so cool, um. And so I reached out to you and was like come on the show. But I want to ask you about your, what your relationship style is like polyamory, not monogamy, like what does that look like for you?

Rozie: 2:17

Yeah, I'm polyamorous. I started approaching polyamory in 2017 as a single person and that's really informed a lot of how I relate to people, so my style is a bit more on the non-hierarchical side, with tastes of solo poly as well, nice.

Ellecia: 2:40

Nice, amazing, amazing, amazing and so so. So were you um, like, had you been in monogamous relationships prior to that, or did it was? Did it just like just come naturally for you?

Rozie: 3:02

Yeah, I was in monogamous relationships for my whole life until that point, until I was in my mid twenties and I realized that it wasn't a great fit for me and I had just grown up thinking that monogamy was the only option.

Ellecia: 3:18

Right, yeah, as most of us do, yeah, as most of us do so how did you get into?

Rozie: 3:34

how did you get into polyamorous matchmaking? Yeah, it's something that I've seen people asking for. So I run a discord server for poly people in the Seattle area and a lot of people are just sick of the apps, which I totally understand. I deactivated mine a couple months ago and I hope I don't ever have to get back on there. Um, so people in the discord were saying, oh, we want a matchmaker, and I was like, oh, I've always kind of wanted to do that. I've always been really interested in people and relationships and communication and all of that. Um, I was an anthropology major in college and, you know, took some psychology classes to go along with that. Uh, so, yeah, it just made sense to me. Um, yeah, I left my job in July. That was sort of my like security blanket, you know my full-time salary job, and I have been trying to figure out, like, what to do. Uh, it's a rough job market out there and, yeah, I, I found it to be super rewarding so far. Yeah, that's amazing.

Ellecia: 4:50

I love that. I love that so much. What, um, and so part of that, you're running like speed dating events, right? What does that look like?

Rozie: 5:00

Yeah, I've put on one so far and it had a capacity of 26 people. 17 people showed up. I rented out a small brewery in Greenwood and, yeah, we had the whole place to ourselves. It was just really fun. I had people set up to rotate through the different tables at the brewery and make as many matches as possible in the amount of time that we had that sounds like a blast, like genuinely that sounds really cool.

Ellecia: 5:33

Was there anything um that? Like surprised you?

Rozie: 5:39

um, people were just really lively and excited about it and, which I found surprising, uh, the way I had it set up was sort of uh, with a queer focus, and so I didn't have just like men meeting women. I don't think that model works super well in Seattle anyway, a lot of people are some flavor of queer or non-binary uh, and so like, how would you even set that up? And you know a lot of people are like bi or pansexual too, so you can't even just like categorize it uh in terms of like heterosexual, heterosexual norms. Uh, right, yeah, but even like people who weren't necessarily the people who would date each other were, we're still like having a great time and talking and, you know, using up the whole five minutes.

Ellecia: 6:31

Yeah, yeah, that's so cool. I imagine it's like like even just trying to like make friends as an adult is really hard, right. And then to like make friends, that like have you know a similar type of life, right, or making similar like relationship choices or having similar relationship styles and like like building community in that way, that sounds like such a like really fun opportunity.

Rozie: 7:00

Yeah, it is really hard to make friends and that is something that I offer as matchmaking and then as part of the speed dating event, I really had people focus on the community building aspect of it. You know, I was saying you might not necessarily have a romantic connection with someone, but maybe there's someone who would bring you soup when you were sick, or who would walk your dog when you're on vacation or something, or who would walk your dog when you're on vacation or something.

Ellecia: 7:28

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly, that's one of my favorite things about polyamory is like having having a like a network of people who you can like relate to in, in, in, in multiple ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what? Um? How? I'm curious how you navigate matchmaking um for people that have, like you know, like, like we use this word polyamory but like people have so many different ideas of what that means in so many different ways that they relate to each other. So I'm curious, how do you navigate that? People have different like preferences and relationship styles and trying to match them up?

Rozie: 8:15

Yeah, that's like the fun part, because everyone's looking for something different and so you want to try to find people who are looking for the same situation. So I always the first thing I ask people when I'm talking to them after their name pronouns is what are you looking for in a matchmaker, like, what can I help you with? And sometimes it's people who looking they're looking for someone who wants to have a child with them. And sometimes it's people who want a nesting partner who doesn't want children. And you know, sometimes it might be like want a nesting partner who doesn't want children. And you know, sometimes it might be like three different things that they're open to. You know they're looking for something more casual and then they're looking for, like, a nesting partner. Um, so really just asking questions. And then I have a pretty involved um spreadsheet system that I get into where I just sort of systematically go through and ask people questions and then that I can use to help make the matches.

Ellecia: 9:13

That's amazing, but that sounds better. It's like it's a human driven algorithm, much better than the app. Yeah.

Rozie: 9:23

Yeah, I'm really passionate about it at this point honestly, like getting people off of the apps and kind of just taking a slower and more intentional approach to dating. Swiping on apps is so addicting and I think it's really doing people a disservice.

Ellecia: 9:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree, I agree, I um. In the last year, I started working with a startup, um for a love app called Elixir, and originally we were thinking dating app, and then we were like God, no, it's insane and toxic. And so we actually moved towards um, towards coaching and educating people on their um, you know, on getting clear on what they want, what they desire, what their boundaries are, how to heal all of our like internal uh relationship wounding and and get really good with, with, with yourself as you're like dating and navigating relationships and all the different relationship styles, because the the dating app thing is kind of it's traumatizing, I think, yeah yeah, yeah it's.

Rozie: 10:42

it's a really frustrating system to navigate, like regardless of your gender, um, or your appearance or anything. There's always downsides to those dating apps, but that's cool, like so and like like education, um and uh let's see the word.

Ellecia: 11:10

I was looking for Um like um, uh, workshops, like workshops around things like um, how to, how to like walk away from a date that wasn't great and still feel good about yourself, right? Yeah, things that we just don't especially over the last five, six years, haven't had a lot of practice with. Yeah, dating's been rough, yeah it really has been. Yeah, mm-hmm well, how, how. I'm curious, how would you? How has the like polyamory scene community culture in seattle or in the area changed since you started engaging with it in 2017,?

Rozie: 12:10

I think you said yeah, that's a great question and I can only explain things from my perspective. But when I first started, I went to like group meetings for poly people. I went to like group meetings for poly people and I was one of the youngest people there, by like 10 to 20 years, which was very intimidating. But there was a very apparently like thriving community of people and they're like mid to late thirties, forties, fifties who were holding a lot of intentional discussions as a community and I think it was like twice monthly that you could go um, and those are people who have been poly for a long time, mostly now. Uh, what I see is a lot of people who are married, opening up their relationships, like that's a huge trend right now. And then you also have people who are much younger, like Gen Z, coming in, who are just familiar with Polly as a as a default.

Ellecia: 13:21

Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like, why doesn't everybody do this? Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, like why doesn't everybody do this?

Rozie: 13:30

But you know, not only get to pick one flavor. Yeah, exactly. But being a millennial and being raised in a very conservative environment, um, I'm not really sure what the Gen Z scene is in Seattle for for dating and polyamory.

Ellecia: 13:47

Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. We um, I met my husband in 2014 and we've never been monogamous together. Like I met him and I was like I'm never. I had just gotten divorced. I was like I'm never going to be monogamous again. Um, but you're cool. And he was like dope, I'm polyamorous. And I was like I don't know, that sounds weird. Yeah, and years later, here I am. Now you're an expert.

Ellecia: 14:15

I was like I just want to be slutty. I don't know what you're talking about. And then we fell in love and I had to figure out how to, you know, deal with my jealousy, my insecurity and all the monogamous conditioning. Yeah, it's real. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. What would you say is? I know? I'm going to ask you a different question. What would you say is the most misunderstood or yeah, the misunderstood aspect of polyamorous relationships by people outside of polyamory?

Rozie: 15:07

polyamory. The first thing that comes to mind for me is people thinking that you can't have a serious relationship if you're polyamorous, that you're just dating around and you can't form a lifelong commitment and you don't really love the other person if you're not going to commit to them in a monogamous way.

Ellecia: 15:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that a lot. And then the flip side of that is is people who are non-monogamous or polyamorous have that belief kind of buried real deep, like like I know that it's possible, but what if it's not? And like trying to like I, I know I can love multiple people and have multiple long-term relationships and but what if? What if those people were right? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, what's been the biggest challenge for you? Being being polyamorous?

Rozie: 16:09

Finding people who want the same thing as me. So I haven't wanted a very hierarchical relationship. I'm not really comfortable with having a partner who feels entitled to, like, make decisions for me. Um, yeah, I know that not all hierarchy looks that way, but it's definitely something that you can deal with. And I also, at the same time, want a level of commitment, and so finding that middle ground has been really tricky. Um, because a lot of people who are open to dating solo poly are like staunchly against, um, basic levels of commitment. Um, and I want someone who I can rely on, you know, yeah, to like, if I have to have surgery, like they'll take care of me for the six weeks after the surgery. You know, yeah, yeah.

Ellecia: 17:13

Or, you know, in a crisis, like we can be together, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah yeah, I was just thinking like the. The example that always comes to mind for me is like when I break down, my car breaks down on the side of the road, who do I call, especially when I'm like, oh fuck what the side of the road? Who do I call, especially when I'm like oh fuck what, like ah, I can't think Right.

Rozie: 17:30

Yeah, yeah. And I have a partner who, um, is married but uh still shows up for me in very important ways. Uh and I did end up in the ER this June and, um, I didn't even ask, I just told him I was in the ER this June and I didn't even ask, I just told him I was in the ER and he was like I'll be right there and came over and hung out with me until I got out, you know that's so good yeah, it's almost.

Ellecia: 18:02

It seems like that should almost be a given, like there's a level of community care that needs to happen in relationships that we've kind of culturally gotten away from. Like if it's not your spouse, or like your one main partner, then we don't do anything. However, if it was like our best friend, we would. So there's something like where the romance is involved that suddenly creates a barrier to something we would otherwise do for, like a close friend or a family member or our spouse, right, but then all but like I I see it a lot like in polyamorous relationships, non-monogamous relationships, something there if, because there's romance involved, suddenly there has to be like a, a wall, like and it's really weird and I want to see it change.

Rozie: 18:56

Yeah, I mean, it's almost like you're not seeing your romantic partner as a whole person at that point, if you're not willing to show up for them when they need you.

Ellecia: 19:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Like, like I always, anytime I'm and I give this advice to my clients a lot but anytime I'm feeling conflicted about like what should I do? What's the right thing to do here, I always try and take the romance out of the equation. Like, okay, if this is my friend, right, this is my best friend of seven years that I hang out with all the time and they're having an emergency, how would I show up for them? What would I do? How would the other people in my life respond versus, because this is my partner? Yeah, like it helps me go what is the right thing to do and make decisions when I pull the romance part out, because we're like so conditioned around what, what it means like love and and whatnot.

Rozie: 19:52

Yeah, wow yeah, it's a good way of looking at it, yeah it helps like I don't know.

Ellecia: 19:58

It helps take the weird weirdness out of it. Right, I'm like this is my friend then? Then the answer seems really obvious. But when I say this is like one of my three partners, how, how will this partner feel? And how will that partner feel and what will you know it? It it takes the weirdness out, I'm able to get clarity.

Rozie: 20:34

I always like to ask people about jealousy what is your, what is, what's your experience with jealousy? Jealousy is really interesting. There's a lot of advice out there and I think it can really just depend. I think a lot of advice is bad, um, uh, and you really have to look at your own situation. But for me, lately, when I've felt jealousy, it's when I'm feeling less secure in my relationship, and so the the answer is what can I do to feel more secure in my relationship? Um, and, it's okay, it's okay to feel jealous sometimes, but, um, it shouldn't be like ruling your decision making yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ellecia: 21:27

Anytime that I've been jealous to the point of it, feeling, um, where it's like hijacks all my thoughts, right. Then I'm like, okay, there's, there's something I need to do here. That's, that's a me problem, probably. Uh, and when it's, you know it go like is there actually something bad happening to me or am I feeling like insecure or something?

Rozie: 21:52

yeah, yeah, yeah, you can play the. And then what game? Like, oh I'm jealous that this person is with this person all the time. Well then, what will happen? And then what will happen? And you know, I think I learned that from like polyamory weekly or something. But if you get to the point where you're like I will die alone in a ditch, um, realistically, like that's probably not going to happen.

Ellecia: 22:18

You probably have some better choices you can make before you get there. Yeah, that was my very first polyamory podcast that I started listening to, and I listened to it for a very long time. I loved it, and that was yeah, that's the one.

Rozie: 22:33

I was sad when they stopped making things.

Ellecia: 22:38

They still have really good advice out there, so that's good.

Rozie: 22:41

Yeah, it's there for future generations.

Ellecia: 22:44

Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you want to share with the listeners?

Rozie: 22:56

Good question. Hmm, man, I want people to take your coaching class and then come be my clients right, let's get your shit together and then get you matched up.

Ellecia: 23:16

Yeah exactly.

Rozie: 23:19

Yeah, it's really interesting working with people. I feel like I've made some really good connections and part of my goal is to just help people be happy, just like spread good feelings around, and I feel like I've been pretty successful in that. But a lot of it depends on the people who I'm matching being in a good place for that, and a lot of people have a lot of trauma. Um, that that should definitely be addressed before, um, they get to me.

Rozie: 23:55

Ideally yeah yeah, and you know some of that like relationships can be healing as well. Um, but if you're at a point in your relationships where you're like constantly in conflict and relationships don't feel good, hopefully you're getting outside support for that.

Ellecia: 24:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really, really important. And there is there's an aspect of like there's some things you can't work on if you aren't in them Right, like, like, a lot of people will come to me to work on jealousy and then you know something happens or they change things, that jealousy just isn't popping up and so it's like, well, in theory, like I've got this down in theory, but until you actually have to put it into practice, it's it's just a theory. You don't know how your nervous system is going to react until you're actually in the feels of it, which is, you know, it's like so doing some of the work for yourself, and then, when you're in relationships, you have to keep doing the work so that, as challenges come up, as things you know, things get triggered or activated, then you have the capacity to work on those in a way that doesn't leave you shutting down or running away or constantly fighting.

Rozie: 25:20

Yeah, and I just had a thought that occurred to me concerning jealousy. Um, and I just had a thought that occurred to me, uh, concerning jealousy, it's really important to have your your internal values straight and how you want to show up in a relationship and again, that comes from self-work and getting external support sometimes. So if you're experiencing jealousy, you can think like, how does this align with my values and how I'm showing up?

Ellecia: 25:47

Yeah, yeah, like what's your, what's your North star, what is what is your guiding light in making your decisions and relationships and for most people, they don't know what that is, other than I don't want to be left, I don't want to be abandoned, or I don't want to lose love and connection, and that's probably the worst one, because then we just abandon ourselves and accept things that aren't good for us.

Rozie: 26:10

Yeah, yeah, I really like the analogy or just like the saying, like if you love them, let them go. And the thing about polyamory is that if you give people the chance, they'll come back to you time and time and time again and that can really strengthen your relationship and it enriches all of our lives yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

Ellecia: 26:40

Um. How can people find Seattle Inclusive Matchmaking?

Rozie: 26:50

Right now the best way is Facebook, so just look for Seattle, polyamory, matchmaking and Speed Dating on Facebook. And the next best way, if you don't have Facebook, is to shoot me an email. I have very affordable rates, especially when you consider that most matchmakers charge thousands of dollars. I have an initial consult fee and then a monthly fee after that, and everything is sliding scale. I'm really excited to talk to people. Um, maybe we can put my email in the show notes so that people can click through to that they need to.

Ellecia: 27:35

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely Amazing. I love it so good. Um, well, it's lost. Um well, it's lost, so I will, I'll put your information in the show notes so so people can find you. And um, I've enjoyed talking to you so much, thank you. Thank you, thank you for coming on.

Rozie: 27:58

Yeah, Thanks so much for reaching out to me sort of out of the blue and, you know, trusting me. Um, I really I I listened to so many podcast episodes and I thought it was great, and so I'm really excited to be here yeah, good, good, good, good.

Ellecia: 28:12

Thank you yeah.