Graceful Rejection: The Art of Saying No Without Burning Bridges

How do you turn someone down romantically without creating awkwardness or burning bridges? In this episode, my partner, Danny, and I tackle one of the trickiest aspects of non-monogamous relationships: rejection. Inspired by a question from one of our Patreon supporters, we explore how to say "no" in a way that’s respectful, kind, and true to your own boundaries.

Key Topics We Cover:

• Why Over-Explaining Hurts More Than It Helps: Learn how to set boundaries without feeling the need to justify yourself.
• Handling Social Dynamics After a Rejection: Discover strategies for maintaining positive connections in your community.
• Balancing Honesty with Kindness: Find out how to express your needs without hurting others unnecessarily.

Practical Tips and Personal Stories

We both open up about our own experiences with rejection, sharing valuable advice on how to:

• Stand firm in your boundaries and desires.
• Communicate with clarity and confidence.
• Handle rejection with grace when it happens to you.

A Conversation Rooted in Self-Worth

We also discuss how to deal with the sting of being turned down. From navigating feelings of hopelessness to rebuilding self-worth, this episode provides actionable insights for building resilience and honoring your authentic self in all interactions.

"What I want matters more than what others want for me."

Bonus Segment for Patreon Supporters:

Want an extra does of insight? For our dedicated Patreon friends, we've included an exclusive "Just the Tip" segment with additional insights and a spicy tidbit you won't want to miss. Head over to patreon.com/notmonogamous to to unlock ad-free episodes, Q&A calls, and more perks.

Whether you're new to non-monogamy or been on this ride for years, this episode offers tools for navigating rejection with confidence and compassion. Tune in for a conversation that will transform the way you approach saying—and hearing—"no."

🎧 Don’t miss this episode. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts!

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Chapters

• 0:00 Graceful Rejection in Dating and Relationships
• 10:10 Navigating Rejection and Self-Worth
• 20:06 Navigating Rejection With Self-Awareness
• 26:00 Podcast Promotion for Increased Reach

Transcript

Ellecia: 0:00

Welcome, Danny, to Nope, we're Not Monogamous. I'm so happy to have you on the show.

Danny: 0:05

I'm happy to be back.

Ellecia: 0:07

Okay, so we're going to talk about rejection. Neither of us have ever experienced that.

Danny: 0:14

Not once.

Ellecia: 0:15

Not even once we're lying. Okay, so this episode was inspired by one of our Patreon friends with benefits. One of our Patreon supporters had a question how do I? What was it, Gracefully?

Danny: 0:38

I think it was. How do I gracefully turn people down?

Ellecia: 0:41

I'm going to look. I'm going to tell you exactly what it was.

Danny: 0:45

And I think they meant in like romantic advances, not like turn down like a free newspaper or something graceful rejection.

Ellecia: 0:54

Oh, that's better. I'm finding that being openly poly leads to a lot of propositions and I don't think I'm doing the best I could in turning them down. And I thought that was a really good question. And she was asking if we had done any episodes on that and I was like you know, I'm sure that there are episodes where that has been touched on, but I can't tell you off the top of my head where those are. So for our friend on Patreon, this episode is for you. She's also not just a Patreon friend, it's a real life friend. That's why I'm not saying her name, because I don't want to call her out. That's fair, because that feels weird. But also I adore her and she's hot, so of course she's getting lots of propositions.

Danny: 1:42

Oh, my God.

Ellecia: 1:42

And also like really smart and fun and you know all the things that make somebody go being desirable. I want to make out with you so graceful rejection. Yeah, Do you ever turn people down Gracefully?

Danny: 2:04

Gracefully, not as often as I would like that's. Uh, yeah, I absolutely have. I've turned people down and I think I've gotten better at it over time. Um, I think that an easy pitfall to fall into an easy pit to fall into an easy pit to fall into. Uh, yeah, I think. I think that uh like something that's like easy to fall into, though is to think that you need to explain it.

Ellecia: 2:30

Oh yeah, you need to defend your rejection, Right? Yeah, like I'm too busy or I'm too polysaturated or I'm not looking for something right now. But, none of those things may be true. It may just be that you're not interested in this person that's propositioning you, whether that's for a date or a makeout session or a one-night stand yeah, anything yeah, or dnd game absolutely no, I'm good.

Ellecia: 2:56

Oh, my god, don't get me into that I'm just saying like I feel like that rejection is also yeah, it just rejected for for anything like, hey, do you want to do a thing?

Danny: 3:05

And that comes with the risk of them saying no, I don't. Yeah, and whenever I'm about to say no, I don't Like in my mind, like even now, even though I am, I think I do. I'm better at it, I'm more gracefully reject people.

Ellecia: 3:27

Now I still, in my head, imagine that they're going to have follow up questions like I'll need to. I'll need to explain why not, why not, what's wrong. Oh, why do you hate me? Has anybody ever?

Danny: 3:31

done that after high school, like that, oh, after high school. Yeah, because I said, I got like as kids for sure.

Ellecia: 3:34

Yeah, I feel like when you're learning how to date right, whether you know, some people are learning how to date as adults and but still, like when you're learning how to date, you do that like why, what's wrong with me? Yeah, and then it's like when you're learning how to date.

Danny: 3:43

you do that Like well, why? What's wrong?

Ellecia: 3:44

with me, yeah. And then it's like well, maybe you saw that invitation for yeah.

Danny: 3:50

Like it's it. I think that people like or at least we assume. I assume I'm not going to speak for everybody, but I think a lot of people assume that they're going to take offense to it. Like that high school thing is right. I don't think in my adult life and I'm really thinking about it I don't think anyone's ever had a follow-up question, Not really. They're just like oh okay, Like maybe they're bummed out or something, or maybe I offer an explanation and then they, and then it turns to a conversation that neither one of us wants to have.

Ellecia: 4:14

Yeah.

Danny: 4:15

Yeah.

Ellecia: 4:15

Yeah, that Okay. So when I'm turning people down, okay, it depends on the situation. Okay, if it's like an event, a festival, a party, something where, like, people are just like randomly making out, or it's like like turning down a dance. Hey, do you want to dance? Yes no, I'm good, no thanks. Hey, do you want to make out? No thanks. Thanks for the invitation.

Danny: 4:42

I appreciate it oh, you make it look so easy. I've watched you do this.

Ellecia: 4:45

It's not easy. It takes practice and more than practice, it takes knowing like a little bit of security in myself, right, like rather than that thing, the people pleasing thing that a lot of us do where it's like, oh no, sorry, I don't, I don't feel like it right now. Or oh sorry, I'm not, I'm on my way out the door.

Danny: 5:20

Actually there, is a sorry, I feel bad oh sorry the door.

Ellecia: 5:24

Actually there is a sorry, I feel bad. Oh, sorry, yeah. And so, rather than doing that, I've I've practiced believing that what I want, like my desires and my boundaries, actually matter. They actually matter. They actually matter more than this other person that isn't my partner, isn't my, I don't owe this person anything yeah, man, it sounds easy when you say it like that having self-worth yeah yeah, that's all.

Danny: 6:00

Just go get some self-worth geez, they sell it at 7-eleven, right, just buy like a eight ounce bag you're good to go next to the five-hour energy. Yeah, wow, yeah, so yeah I've seen you do that a bunch, like a whole bunch and, like I said, you do make it look really easy. But do you think that applies to, uh, things that go a little more in depth than just a makeout or a dance?

Danny: 6:22

like a date yeah, like a date like, hey, do you want to go out sometime? Because I assume that you probably have some some manner of rapport, like I think if someone walks up to you and says, hey, do you want to go out sometime, that is like hello, stranger, no, that's no, that's a crazy thing to say I don't. I've never said a single word to you, but if someone has been talking to you for a while or maybe it's their guys are kind of friends or something uh-huh do you think the same rules apply can?

Ellecia: 6:44

you say, oh, that makes it so much harder. Right, because I'm like this is you know, this is my friend, or someone that, like, I am in a social circle with, and I think definitely we take into account their, their like social, uh, currency, right, like, are you mean, uh, are they friends with a whole bunch of your friends? Do you see them all the time? Do they carry a lot of? Are they popular? Do they carry a lot of social weight?

Danny: 7:10

Sure Right.

Ellecia: 7:11

If you turn them down, are they going to like be mad and then retaliate socially, like tell other people what a jerk you are for turning them down, like all of those things kind of go into it like all of those things kind of go into it.

Danny: 7:28

Yeah, but should that?

Ellecia: 7:28

influence your answer? No, like this person's gonna act like a psycho, which is why I have to come back and be like, actually my boundaries and my desires, like those two combined, are more important than what this other person wants.

Ellecia: 7:41

Absolutely actually, because, like, and I and i- know this I know this because I've gone on lots of dates with people that I didn't want to go on a date with and I felt bad. Or after like starting the date, I'm like, oh, I don't know why I said yes, I I didn't really want to. I should have said no. I would be a lot happier right now sitting at home watching this Is Us than I would be on this date right now. Right.

Danny: 8:09

Yeah, I would definitely be on that date.

Ellecia: 8:13

Or or what was the other thought I had about that? I've gone on dates I didn't want to go on. I've made out with people I didn't want to make out with. I've had sex with people I didn't want to have sex with because I was scared to turn them down. And when you get to the other side of that and there's this level of like, shame, guilt, weird, value things that come up should. Well, I shouldn't have done this or I should have done that, that all sucks.

Ellecia: 8:43

But also I've learned valuable lessons that what I want matters yeah, more than other people, and not like what I want matters in their lives more than in my life as being the only person living my life. Uh, it matters more and you're so cool I feel like some people would say that that sounds shitty or selfish on the on the surface level, right Before you get to the point I say that yeah, so they might say that somebody who doesn't want to be rejected might say oh yeah, that's shitty, or?

Danny: 9:19

selfish right, yeah, rather than saying the thing that they should say, which is thank you for taking care of yourself that is a really good thing to say thank you for responding honestly yeah, and you can almost carry on a conversation after that yep yeah, like if I, yeah, like if I was like hey, like saying that twice, if I was like hey, hey, uh, yeah, and I wanted to ask you, uh, and you're like no, thank you okay, ask, ask me out.

Ellecia: 9:46

Oh, I don't know if I can say no to you. Yeah, I can you totally can.

Danny: 9:49

It'll be fun. All right, I want you to. Oh yeah you do at least yeah, do you want to like go out sometime?

Ellecia: 10:00

where are we gonna go?

Danny: 10:03

bagel shop no thanks.

Ellecia: 10:08

Thanks for asking right on.

Danny: 10:10

I respect how you uh you handle yourself there and how you respect your own desires yeah, that's really cool.

Ellecia: 10:16

Yeah, thank you, you're welcome thanks.

Danny: 10:18

I still want to go on a date with you, but like I respect you, thank you.

Ellecia: 10:23

I appreciate that and I appreciate your desires. We're not going on a date, though. Okay, I really thought, maybe I know, I know, but we're not going to. So thank you, though. It's really flattering and I appreciate it, and good luck out there in the wild world. The finger guns really help. So yeah, for those of you who have to turn someone down, use finger guns.

Danny: 10:51

No, thank you, no, thank you guaranteed to make it way less awkward. Oh man, man, that sucks. Being rejected sucks yeah oh man yeah what am I gonna do? Yeah, just don't take it to heart oh, okay not everyone's, for you, babe oh my god, that's really good advice. That took me way too long to learn. Yeah, but not everyone's for me yeah, yeah, well, so, okay.

Ellecia: 11:14

So we were looking up, um, I was looking up, like, how would other people answer this question about rejecting people? And somebody else asked the question how do you, as a polyamorous person, deal with the constant rejection of those you get close to? I'm starting to feel hopeless and undesirable. And the first thing I and this is funny now that I'm reading it a second time I picked up something that I did the first time. I thought I didn't read the part where he or they said, um, how do you deal with the rejection of those you get close to? I just thought it was saying like constant rejection, and I'm like, well, is this person just like?

Danny: 11:56

going down the street asking people out, like as soon as they meet them or whatever.

Ellecia: 12:01

um, which is a weird thing that some people do. They think that, like, if you're trying to like date people, you're trying to find a partner or someone to like interact with that. If you see someone that you're interested in, you should just ask them on a date and I'm like no, you should ask them their name and then you should ask them questions about themselves and see if you have anything at all in common before you ask them on a date.

Danny: 12:30

I think school dances did it. Oh yeah, go go ask her to dance. Yeah, because what else are you gonna do? You just gotta find a date. Just ask hey, trisha, do you want to go to the dance with me?

Ellecia: 12:37

right yeah, and I think people carry it over into adulthood yeah, it's not a good habit, weird practice it is, and I don't think I've ever, I don't think kids are doing that anymore, though that's fair.

Danny: 12:45

I haven't been a kid for a while yeah, they're like they've made it way better.

Ellecia: 12:48

They're like going to dances with their friends.

Danny: 12:51

Yeah and like yeah yeah, just having fun treating like a club. At least I think I could be wrong.

Ellecia: 12:57

I could be wrong, but from what I've seen, having teenagers that's what I've seen but so being constantly rejected from the people that you get close to, which I have so many questions about that I wish this person had given more information.

Danny: 13:10

OK, but what do you want to know?

Ellecia: 13:12

So how do you deal with being rejected? I would say first is, like I said earlier, like thank you for taking care of yourself, thank you for thank you for giving me an honest answer.

Danny: 13:24

Oh, my God, the amount of respect right there. Yeah, I won't lie, even in our fake scenario though, which I really hope was fake, but but our fake scenario though, yeah, that that is like that's a real thing. I feel like respect of this, like the. You thought I could handle it.

Ellecia: 13:39

Yeah, you didn't treat me like a baby yes, or like a violent criminal that I had to tiptoe around oh my god correct which you know is a thing that many of us are taking a risk on when we're rejecting people, like the fear of retaliation, the fear of physical violence, like those are very real things that a lot of us have to deal with. And so I think, like the question earlier, graceful rejection, like being kind about it, I think is really important. And on the other side is, take a no for a no, like it doesn't have to mean. It probably doesn't mean anything about you as a matter of fact, I know it doesn't mean anything about you. It's 100 percent about the person that is doing the rejecting. It's 100% about them and their life and the things that are happening in their head, the stories that they have, the desires they have for their life, the boundaries that they have around their life. It's 100% about them and actually has nothing to do with you.

Danny: 14:45

I would encourage anyone to really, if they were, if you are getting rejected, to think of a time that you have not, uh, wanted to go out with someone. I think that anyone can think of a time, like just imagine a time where if someone had said, hey, do you want to go out right now? You would have been like oh my god, no, like my dog just died, or like my mom's house just burned down.

Ellecia: 15:06

I'm busy. Absolutely I'm not interested in a bagel right now.

Danny: 15:12

It's finals week, I mean, if you want to blow me that'd be fine. Oh my God, Absolutely. Yeah, I mean read your person.

Ellecia: 15:21

I was just going to say like counteroffer yeah. No, I don't want to date you, but like we could be friends we could have this conversation. I don't know if I'm giving good advice or not.

Danny: 15:35

I don't either I really don't.

Ellecia: 15:37

It's fine, it's fine.

Danny: 15:40

We might just cut this whole episode.

Ellecia: 15:41

Yeah, if you're seeing this, just know we didn't cut it. Okay. If you're seeing this, just know we didn't cut it. Okay. So the feelings that someone gets after being rejected. What did this person say? They felt worthless. Yeah, which, oh, no, I'm sorry. They said I'm starting to feel hopeless and undesirable.

Danny: 16:02

Sure.

Ellecia: 16:05

What do you do about feeling hopeless and undesirable?

Danny: 16:09

Okay, don't look at that Feeling hopeless and undesirable.

Ellecia: 16:15

So undesirable. What that says to me is I don't feel valuable, I don't feel like I have worth to other people.

Danny: 16:30

Right.

Ellecia: 16:32

And it's really, really important to find the things that you feel are desirable for yourself. Right, like what is valuable about me, whether other people see it or not, what do I know is valuable about me? What do I know is worthwhile about me? What do I know is desirable about me? Anything, it doesn't have to be big things. If you have a hard time coming up with things like. It can be little things.

Ellecia: 17:03

It can be that I'm kind or I'm funny, or every once in a while I say something funny, or every once in a while I do really awesome things. Or I know how to change the oil in the car, or I know how to I can pick up heavy things or you know anything that, like, you find even a little bit desirable and really gas that up and own that, because the more confident that you feel it's a catch 22, right Like? We feel like we will be more confident if people desire us and respond well to us. But people desire us and respond well to us because we're exuding confidence. You have to find some of that confidence and then you'll start getting that external feedback that you are desirable. I mean, trust me, there are people, there are humans out there that I do not desire, that are getting so much love and affection.

Danny: 18:09

Yeah, absolutely, and hard same, I think it's. Yeah, I don't think there's any such thing as like being a desirable person.

Ellecia: 18:18

What do you measure that to?

Danny: 18:20

Exactly Like, yeah, like. How do you quantify that Like desirable to everyone? Is that what you're shooting for? To most people, that's wild. Eight billion people. You want eight billion other people to be in you, right?

Ellecia: 18:30

You're so busy Find a couple, yeah, that's it. One, even Two, three Ever. Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's a lot, that is.

Danny: 18:41

Yeah, and how did we get? Oh, we, because the person was feeling undesirable because they're getting rejected so much.

Ellecia: 18:51

Yeah, they were feeling sorry, hopeless and undesirable. Hopeless being like I don't. I've lost hope in the idea that I will make matches with people. Yeah, Be able to date people.

Danny: 19:03

Which, which I do get. I wish we did. I wish we could talk to that person, because I'm curious, I know I always want to know the details, because I feel like it sounds like whatever their approach is also isn't working. If they're people to get close to, so it means that they are engaging in conversation. That's something about what they're doing, and I'm not saying that every person wouldn't say yes. I'm not saying that maybe every person still would turn them down, but I do wonder if he's changing up his approach, because that is possible that what you're doing is setting anyone off.

Danny: 19:33

Yeah, uh, like, I like, just like putting it to an extreme. What's a great let's? Just it's something that nobody would be into. Like, if you're handing a fistful of worms to someone and saying, will you please go out with me, I feel like most people would say no, no, no, thank you, so it's okay, and obviously no, I don't think anyone's doing that. Maybe maybe it would work for somebody, but I mean, I think overall most people would say no, thank you. But maybe change it up. If everyone's always saying no after you hand them the handful of worms, you need to change it. And I'm not saying that's what this guy is doing. I'm saying that's an extreme. Whatever he's doing, maybe he should change it up.

Ellecia: 20:03

So that's the next step Some self-reflection, oh.

Ellecia: 20:06

I love talking to you, right, do a little bit of self-reflection. Like what, what has worked in my life, what has not worked? What do I find valuable? What do I think should entice people? What am, what am I attracted to? What are the traits that other people have that I'm attracted to and do I have any of those, or can I build any of those up Right? What do I enjoy when people are talking to me or approaching me and can I practice those things?

Ellecia: 20:39

Like self-reflection is a really important part and really just finding every single human that is born is lovable and worthy and valuable. There is no baby that comes into this world that's not worth loving, okay, so there has been a time in your life, every single person. There has been a time in your life where you were absolutely lovable. So you have evidence that you are lovable, okay, like you have evidence that you are a valuable human, even if you aren't feeling it right now. And so, like that self-reflection piece is you find the things that you can actually do to feel better, to find hope, oh my.

Danny: 21:23

God, you are enchanting Shush Okay.

Ellecia: 21:27

Thank you, of course. Thank you. My foot fell asleep.

Danny: 21:30

Oh, no, yeah, all that wisdom. I have nothing to add to that that's wild, that's so good I'm speechless, thank you, thank you, uh, maybe I do no, I don't.

Ellecia: 21:43

I don't know. It's a hard topic because nobody wants to be rejected. It sucks nobody wants to turn people down that also sucks we don't like hurting people's feelings, but what is even worse, people that you don't want to hang out with them anyway well, yeah, and what's worse than that is to like pretend or fake it, yes.

Ellecia: 22:04

How far can you take that before you're finally like I should have said no the first time, like that's so much worse than just being really clear and honest and like solid in yourself and your desires and your boundaries?

Danny: 22:19

You're right, you do have to say no. You're going to have to say it, and you might as well do it up front if you're feeling it Save everyone.

Ellecia: 22:25

You don't want to wait until you're like I've been married for 40 years. Why did you get married? Well, I just thought that's what I was supposed to do Exactly. I didn't know there were other options. We all know this story. Yeah, I think yeah. So how do you, gracefully, reject people? You say no, thank you. And what do you do if you're the one getting rejected? You say thank you for taking care of yourself.

Danny: 22:54

Yeah, there's really nothing else you can do past that. Yeah, because I think that was that was the other part of that, of that, that conversation too. Like it's like it is like how do you, how do you handle rejection? And you just there's no other way other than to say thank you, thanks for the yeah, yeah you could even say oh, ouch thanks for taking care of yourself.

Ellecia: 23:14

I appreciate that I you're someone I like, so I appreciate that you are taking care of yourself can you say out, yeah, you can say ouch oh okay, that's fine. I'm gonna go cry in the corner absolutely and you can do that.

Danny: 23:29

I think you can totally go home and cry.

Ellecia: 23:30

I mean humor is always a good way to deal with our feelings, I think uh, for sure you have other healthy ways to deal with them as well. But I think humor is a really good way, especially because sometimes maybe you feel embarrassed. Oh, my god or maybe you feel ashamed, or maybe you know like there's so many different feelings that can come up, so make light of it, be real about it, like it's fine yeah, you can do it I feel like about a sense of reality check earlier.

Danny: 23:57

What I meant was a real answer. I just want to be clear about that reality check. Yeah what I was talking about, like in regard to uh, if someone says no to you, it's like I'll think of the reality check, like that's not what it is, it's a real answer not a reality check.

Ellecia: 24:09

check, I'm like I am undesirable.

Danny: 24:12

I needed to hear that A real answer. Yes, it's a real answer. I just wanted to be clear.

Ellecia: 24:16

Yeah, that makes sense Absolutely.

Danny: 24:18

Yeah, Wait what else.

Ellecia: 24:23

Just the tip.

Danny: 24:24

That's it Just the tip.

Ellecia: 24:26

Just the tip, just the tip, that's all. Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Danny: 24:31

Okay, and what is? Just a tip.

Ellecia: 24:33

I don't know.

Danny: 24:34

You don't know. No, I mean like, like the segment, I've never heard of it. Oh, oh, my God, Every episode is someone's first episode.

Ellecia: 24:47

That was hilarious.

Danny: 24:48

Thank you. Thank you, I've never heard of it. I don't edit this podcast.

Ellecia: 24:53

Never, just the tip. What do I normally say? I don't remember.

Danny: 25:00

I'm a little brain dead. Oh, that's okay. We're recording late guys. It's our Patreon segment. It's for the folks who pay just a little bit extra and we give them a sexy tip.

Ellecia: 25:15

Yeah, is that how I say it?

Danny: 25:16

No, but you weren't saying it. How would you say it Exactly like that? Oh good, I like it. I think that was perfect. One take it's good.

Ellecia: 25:22

Yeah, it's good, it's good.

Danny: 25:24

Yeah.

Ellecia: 25:24

Yeah, so this segment is not on the normal podcast. So if you want to hear it, you have to go to patreoncom slash not monogamous and sign up to be one of our friends with benefits or lovers, where you'll hear a sexy segment or some behind the scenes. You'll also get ad free episodes. You can join a Q&A call with me. If you become friends with benefits, you can get a nope, we're not monogamous mug. There's all sorts of benefits. So go check it out.

Ellecia: 26:00

Patreoncom slash not monogamous. Yeah, just the tip. Go to Patreoncom slash not monogamous. Yeah, we're gonna go. Oh, oh, wait. Yeah, wait. Subscribe. Leave a review. Leave a review, please. Um, I have people message me all the time, almost every day, and say how much they love the podcast, and I've started responding. Please go leave a review so that other people know about these really beautiful words that you're saying to me. I will love you forever, but but also I want more people to hear the podcast. You want more people to hear the podcast. Leave a review, leave a rating wherever you're listening to it, just like scroll down to the part where it says reviews.

Danny: 26:53

Even if it's the guy next to you, just give him an elbow. Be like dude. I'm listening to this podcast. It's really good.

Ellecia: 26:56

Bye.