Why DIY Jealousy Solutions Fall Short in Non Monogamy

Have you ever found yourself caught in the grip of jealousy, promising that next time will be different, only to find those familiar feelings resurface? If you've been trying to tackle jealousy on your own without success, you're not alone. In this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain on why DIY approaches to managing jealousy often fall short, and why deeper work is crucial for lasting change.

I'll explore the hidden complexities of jealousy, moving beyond surface-level solutions to uncover the root causes that keep us stuck. I'll share insights on why willpower alone isn't enough and how attempting to suppress or avoid jealousy can actually intensify its grip on our relationships and self-esteem.

Key Insights:

• Why jealousy isn't just an emotion, but a signal pointing to deeper issues
• The common pitfalls of DIY jealousy management and how to avoid them
• The importance of structured guidance and professional support in overcoming jealousy
• How to recognize when you're ready for real change in your approach to jealousy

Join me as we challenge the notion that we should handle jealousy alone and explore a path towards more peaceful, confident, and connected relationships. It's time to move beyond DIY solutions and embrace a more effective approach to managing jealousy in non-monogamous contexts.

Ready to take the next step? Visit elleciapaine.com/jealousy to learn more about the Beyond Jealousy program, an 8-week group coaching experience designed to help you find freedom from jealousy and create more fulfilling relationships.

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Chapters

• 0:01 Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
• 10:01 Navigating Non-Monogamy

Transcript

Ellecia: 0:01

Welcome back to Nope. We're Not Monogamous. I'm Ellecia, your relationship coach and your guide through jealousy and boundaries, and you know everything in between. Today, I want to tackle a big one why you can't DIY your way out of jealousy. Usually, if you have ever thought I can handle this all on my own, only to find yourself right back where you started, you're not alone, trust me, definitely not alone.

Ellecia: 0:30

Jealousy is a really, really tricky thing. It's not just an emotion. It's this signal pointing to something much deeper, and trying to manage it without using the right tools that's like trying to fix a leaky pipe with duct tape. It might hold for a little while, but it's not a real solution. So let's talk about why DIY approaches keep falling short and what you can do instead to find real, lasting relief. Okay, raise your hand.

Ellecia: 0:58

If you've tried to willpower your way through jealousy, I mean maybe not raise your hand because I can't see you and you know the person in the next car might think it's weird. But you know, maybe you've read all the blogs, you've watched some YouTube videos, you've read some books, you've scribbled affirmations in a notebook, you've done some journaling and you start to feel a little bit better and you promise yourself next time I'm not going to feel this way. But then the next time comes and there it is again, and this isn't about a lack of effort on your part. It's a lack of structure and skills. Like the, diy solutions often don't work because they don't give you the tools or the support that you actually need to address the root causes of the jealousy. And you know so much of jealousy isn't logical, it's not cognitive. You can't think your way through it. Some of it you can, but it's not just about what you know or what you think. A lot of times it's rooted in your unconscious beliefs and fears and patterns that you don't even realize are holding you back. So trying to address jealousy on the surface is like patching a crack in a dam and the pressure behind it just keeps building Right and it works a little while, but eventually it's going to burst. Eventually it's going to explode.

Ellecia: 2:22

That's why the deeper work is so important. It's not just quick fixes or forcing yourself to just get over it. You want to uncover the hidden triggers and the beliefs that are buried in your subconscious and address them in a really meaningful way. So doing it yourself might give you temporary relief, but without tools to go deeper. You're just. You know, you're just throwing things at it, hoping something sticks. You're trying to build IKEA furniture without instructions. It's frustrating and almost impossible.

Ellecia: 2:58

And you know, jealousy isn't just an emotion. It's a signal, it's a signpost and it's your brain's way of telling you that something deeper is happening. Maybe it's an unmet need, maybe it's an insecurity, or maybe it's a fear of abandonment. Managing jealousy requires a lot more than just suppressing the feeling or thinking positive. Some good old toxic positivity will get you through it. It won't. You need to understand the why behind the emotion and have the right tools to get through it. So this is where having some structured guidance makes all the difference. When you're working with a coach or a proven framework, you're not just guessing your way through the process. You're given tools like real, practical, actionable strategies that take the guesswork out of the emotional growth.

Ellecia: 3:45

So let's talk about some of the common pitfalls that I see. Mistake number one suppressing your jealousy, telling yourself I shouldn't feel this way, doesn't make the feeling disappear. It just makes it get louder and it makes you feel shittier. Mistake number two is avoiding the situation altogether, and this might work in the short term, but in the long run, over the course of an entire relationship. Avoidance creates more distance and less trust in your relationships. Mistake number three trying to solve jealousy in isolation, all alone. Relationships thrive on connection Hell, humans thrive on connection. And so many of us try to tackle jealousy all alone. We're afraid to bring it up with our partners or even our friends, because there's like this weird shame or guilt or like if you must be doing something wrong. Does this sound familiar? I've been there and I promise you there's a better way.

Ellecia: 4:49

So why does professional guidance, like a coach like myself, work so much better than a do-it-yourself DIY solution? First of all, it accelerates your growth. A coach or a program gives you a roadmap. It gives you a direction to follow so that you're not wasting your time and spinning your wheels and having the same arguments over and over. Second, it reduces some of the emotional strain. So, instead of feeling like you're battling jealousy all alone, you have someone in your corner. You have someone who understands the unique challenges that come with non-monogamy and that has helped others overcome them and overcome them themselves. Overcome them themselves, overcome the challenges themselves and finally, it works because it's tailored to you. Every relationship is different and a good coach helps you find the tools and strategies that fit your unique dynamics.

Ellecia: 5:48

And here's where the magic really happens. A neutral party, someone outside of the situation, can see things that you can't. They're not emotionally entangled in everything that's happening, so they can point out the patterns and point out the truths that are invisible to you when you're stuck in it. When you're in the weeds, you know. When your partner tries to point out what's going on, it's easy to feel defensive or misunderstood, and when you're trying to figure it out on your own, blind spots and emotions get in the way. So having a coach provides an unbiased perspective, helping you see the bigger picture and helping guide you towards actual solutions. And it's not just about finding answers, it's having someone who can illuminate what you can't see for yourself and give you the tools to move forward with clarity and confidence.

Ellecia: 6:41

All right, here's how you know if you're ready for change. All right, here's how you know if you're ready for change. You've tried on your own, but you still feel stuck. You've put in the effort, maybe you've read the books, listened to the podcasts, but nothing seems to stick. You have these aha moments and then you're right back where you were, or jealousy is interfering with your relationships or your self-esteem. Maybe it's leading to arguments. Maybe it's creating distance between you and your partner or leaving you feeling like you're inadequate or feeling unsure of yourself.

Ellecia: 7:23

Another one is that you're craving tools that actually work Instead of just hoping that things will magically get better. Deep down, you know that doing the same thing over and over and over is not going to give you new results. So if you're nodding along, this is your sign. It's time to move past the frustration and start using resources and tools that make a real difference. So being ready for change doesn't mean you have all the answers. It just means that you're ready and willing to ask for help and to try some new approaches, and that willingness to try something different is all you need to get started in a direction that will lead towards more peace, more connection, more confidence in your relationships. You don't have to keep doing this alone or in a silo right. Taking a step to get support to learn another way doesn't mean that you failed. It means that you're ready to grow.

Ellecia: 8:29

One of the biggest myths about jealousy is that it's a personal failing, that you've done something wrong or you're bad, or you're obviously not cut out for non-monogamy, which you still feel jealousy and monogamy. So that's clearly not it. So it's not about being bad at handling jealousy. It's not even having the wrong or right tools. You don't know what you don't know, and that's okay.

Ellecia: 8:55

No one hands us a manual on how to navigate jealousy, especially how to navigate jealousy and non-monogamy, let alone how to transform it into something constructive. That's why having tools and having support and having guidance is so important. You deserve support, you deserve relief, you deserve to feel confident and secure in your relationships. That's why I created a program Beyond Jealousy. It's an eight-week group coaching program designed to help you tackle jealousy head-on, with proven techniques, tools that I've used myself, tools that hundreds of my clients have used and a supportive community by your side. So if you are ready to stop DIYing your jealousy, if you want to leave the do-it-yourself solutions behind and find freedom from jealousy, elleciapaine. com/jealousy can visit to join the Beyond Jealousy program and together we can uncover the roots, everything underneath it, and reframe it and give you the tools to create a more peaceful, confident and connected version of yourself and of your relationship.

Ellecia: 10:01

You don't have to do this alone. We can do it together you can have help. Own we can do it. Together you can have help. I hope today's episode has resonated for you. If it has, share it with a friend who might need to hear it and leave a review right. Your support and your feedback not only helps other people discover the show, but it also builds our community of folks navigating non-monogamy. Thanks so much for listening and until next time, like remember that you've got this. Bye.