The Hidden Costs of Ignoring Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships, EP. 97

Have you ever tried to brush off jealousy, hoping it would simply fade away? In this eye-opening episode, I uncover the hidden costs of ignoring this powerful emotion in non-monogamous relationships.

Uncover the truth about jealousy:

• Why avoiding jealousy actually intensifies its impact
• How unaddressed jealousy erodes trust and emotional safety
• Practical steps to prevent jealousy from damaging your connections

We'll uncover the subtle ways jealousy can take root, even when you think you're "handling it." Learn how to recognize the early signs and address them before they escalate into relationship-threatening issues.

Discover strategies for healthier relationships:

• Creating emotional safety through open communication
• Transforming jealousy into a tool for self-awareness and growth
• Building resilience and security in your partnerships

Whether you're new to non-monogamy or been at it for years, this episode offers valuable insights to help you navigate the complexities of jealousy with grace and intention.

Don't miss out on:

• Real-life examples of how ignored jealousy impacts relationships
• Techniques for addressing jealousy before it spirals out of control
• Information on the "Beyond Jealousy" program for deeper healing

Ready to stop letting jealousy control your relationships? Tune in now and take the first step towards creating more authentic, secure connections in your non-monogamous journey.

As a relationship coach specializing in ethical non-monogamy, I bring years of experience and a compassionate approach to help you transform jealousy from a source of conflict into an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Transcript

[00:00:00] Ellecia: Have you ever thought, if I just ignore this jealousy, it'll go away? Maybe you told yourself it wasn't a big deal, that you could handle it on your own, or that it would be easier to just avoid the discomfort altogether. But the thing is, jealousy doesn't just disappear when you ignore it, right? It doesn't fade quietly into the background.

Instead, it grows. Slowly and silently until it starts to take a toll on your relationships, your emotional mental health, your ability to connect authentically in a loving, caring way. So today, I want to dive into the hidden costs of letting jealousy go unchecked. So let's talk about why avoiding jealousy actually makes it worse, how it erodes trust and emotional safety in your relationships, And what you can do to stop this cycle before it causes lasting damage.

Welcome back to Nope, We're Not Monogamous, where we're exploring love and connection and growth [00:01:00] and non monogamy in all the different forms. Uh, I'm Elixr, your relationship coach. And today I want to talk to you about something so many people struggle with. The idea that ignoring jealousy is easier than addressing it, and the cost of letting it go unchecked.

And I know if you've been paying attention, I've been talking about jealousy for a couple of weeks now for several episodes, and the reason for that is, well, one, because it's one of the main things I get questions about. It's one of the main big challenges that, that people are learning to deal with. And two, because I have, um, a program specifically for Jealousy, Beyond Jealousy.

It's an eight week program, uh, where you come together in a group online, uh, with me. Where I not only coach you vigilantly on what is happening for you, but we work through a prescribed system to make Jealousy easier to deal with, to manage, to see all the ways that it's serving you, to see all the ways that you can [00:02:00] actually combat it and conquer it.

To just really find harmony and love and compersion and confidence and connection, um, in your love, in your life, in your relationships. So if you ever find yourself brushing your jealousy under the rug or telling yourself it'll just work itself out, this episode is going to be for you. By the end you'll understand why avoiding jealousy comes with With a much bigger cost than you might realize and how small intentional steps can prevent it from escalating into something that threatens your relationships and your peace of mind.

Jealousy has this way of sneaking in and taking root, just digging in. And a lot of times it happens without us even realizing it. At first it might feel like this fleeting thought, this little insecurity or this little fear that you can just brush off. You can go, don't be silly. That's, that's not the way it is.

You don't need to think that way. You shouldn't feel that way. Um, but over [00:03:00] time, all of those little moments of unease start building up on each other. They start compounding. Right? So here's how it works. You, every time jealousy comes up and it isn't addressed, your brain files it away as unfinished business.

And these unresolved feelings start to pile up creating this backlog of insecurity, fear, even resentment. And eventually it starts showing up in your thoughts, your behavior, and even your body. Sometimes as like stress, stress, tension, anxiety. And when I say eventually, that could be anything from like in a couple of hours to in a couple of days to even in a couple of months, right?

But eventually it will catch up with you. What's really tricky is that it can be subtle. You might not even notice it at first, but it's there and it's shaping how you see your partners, how you see yourself, how you see your relationships. And the longer that it, it keeps going unshaped, [00:04:00] the more deeply those patterns get ingrained, right?

And what I mean is like Not just unchecked, but how many times do you tell yourself? It's not a big deal. It'll be fine. I, I've got this, right? When I once worked with a coaching client who ignored her jealousy for years and every time it came up, she told herself, it's just not worth bringing up. I don't want to seem needy.

I don't want to be too much, but over time, those feelings didn't go away. Right? Like that didn't make her less needy. It didn't make her less, not too much. Uh, and so eventually by the time that she spoke up, she was dealing with like layers of mistrust and resentment that had actually been festering for a really long time, and it took a lot of time and a lot of effort to unravel the patterns that, that had been setting in.

Right. And she often said, [00:05:00] I wish I had addressed this sooner. And she's not the only one. I hear that all the time. So think about your own experiences with jealousy. Has there ever been a time when you ignored it? Only to realize later that it didn't go away. And what would it feel like to address those feelings before they became overwhelming to you?

Emotional safety. Emotional safety is the glue that holds relationships together. Right? It's that feeling of knowing that you can be vulnerable, you can share your fears, you can trust your partner to respond with care. But jealousy, especially when it's ignored, starts to chip away at that safety. It's, it creates this like underlying vibration, this underlying energy, even if you aren't talking about it, even if you aren't doing anything with it.

And when jealousy isn't, isn't addressed, it, it creates a lot of uncertainty. You might start questioning your partner's [00:06:00] actions, their intentions, even their feelings for you. Trust me on this one. And on the flip side, your partner might start feeling like they have to walk on eggshells, and they're unsure of what might actually trigger your jealousy, right?

Like, like this dynamic keeps creating this feedback loop. The more jealousy erodes emotional safety, the harder it becomes to have open, honest conversations that are needed to rebuild it. And over time, this creates this distance, a bunch of misunderstandings and a breakdown in trust. It really digs in there and it's not that a person experiencing jealousy is wrong or bad or shouldn't feel that way.

That is not what I'm saying, but it has to be addressed. And you know, when I, when I am talking about emotional safety and being able to talk to your partner, or partners about how you're feeling and that emotional safety is created when [00:07:00] that conversation is met with, um, care, compassion, grace, space holding that builds up that sense of safety.

I hope that you have that in your relationships, right? Like if you don't already have that jealousy aside, that's a whole thing that needs to be worked on because the jealousy is just going to make it worse. It's not going to get easier and hiding the jealousy is going to make that even worse. So, let me give you an example, um, let's say your partner starts connecting with someone new and it triggers these feelings of jealousy for you.

And instead of talking about it, you avoid the topic, you hope it'll resolve itself or they'll just go away. And as time goes on, you start pulling away emotionally, you start putting up walls, right? And they notice, obviously they notice. And they might assume, they probably assume, that you're upset with them.

And that leads to more distance. And before you know it, there's [00:08:00] this big wall that is built up that feels impossible to break down. So to maintain emotional safety, it's really important to address jealousy. As soon as it comes up, like start small, share what you're feeling and why. For example, I'll give you an example here.

I noticed I felt uneasy when you mentioned your new connection, whoever that is, whatever their name is. I noticed I felt uneasy. My tummy got a little squishy when, uh, when you talked about Josie. And I think it's because I'm afraid of losing the closeness that we have. Can we talk about it? This kind of conversation creates connection rather than distance.

It feels like it's going to create distance. It feels like if I bring this up, I'm going to push my partner away or they're going to be mad at me or they're going to react badly or whatever. But like, this is how you're really feeling. Now, the flip side of that isn't. Uh, I noticed that [00:09:00] when you mentioned Josie, uh, I felt jealous, so don't mention Josie.

That also creates distance, so that's not addressing it in the way we're talking about here, right? Unchecked jealousy can often lead to conflict. And that's kind of how jealousy has gotten such a bad rap, right? Is because people behave in really shitty ways when they're jealous. Not everyone, but there are people who behave in really shitty ways.

And so jealousy becomes this thing like, Oh my god, you're wrong or bad if you're experiencing jealousy. Or, you're wrong or bad, you're wrong or bad. If you're doing something that causes me to experience jealousy, and neither of those are true. So have you ever had, have you ever had an experience where jealousy was bubbling up, coming up out of nowhere, and suddenly it turned into an argument?

By nowhere, I mean, like it was unexpected or you're surprised that it came up over this thing, right? But it turned into an argument and that's what happens when jealousy goes unchecked. It doesn't disappear, it [00:10:00] festers, it creates all sorts of weird underlying feelings and eventually it finds a way to come out.

And a lot of ways, and a lot of times it comes out in ways we don't expect or we don't intend and we wind up saying shitty things or doing shitty things that we didn't actually want to. Have you ever woken up the next day and went, oh man, that is not how I wanted to express that, that is not what I wanted to say, that went all wrong, right?

It's like, it comes out as passive aggressive comments or snarky remarks or explosive arguments. And those are the moments of conflict that feel disorienting because the real issue, the jealousy or the insecurity or the fear that is underlying that hasn't been addressed. Right? Instead it's disguised as frustration or anger or disconnect.

And the problem with these kind of conflicts is that they don't actually fix anything. They don't resolve anything. Instead, they create. more distance, [00:11:00] and they make it even harder to address the root causes, what's underneath it all. So, uh, in my work coaching clients, um, I have definitely talked to people who have said they don't talk about jealousy, never talk about their jealousy.

They just think it's better to just deal with it. And over time, or they go like, I don't experience jealousy. Now, I believe that there are some people who haven't had to experience much jealousy. Um, more likely because they haven't had an, an experience that triggered jealousy. They haven't had something that activated the jealousy in them, rather than it's just not a, an emotion that they experience.

I'm sure there's some people who don't experience jealousy, just like there's some people who don't experience happiness, but that is, um, the exception, not the rule. Um, so, so this person was like, I just, I just. I just deal with it on my own. And over time, their feelings started slipping out in these little ways, right?

They'd make [00:12:00] sarcastic comments about their partner's time with other people, or they'd pick fights about completely unrelated issues. And eventually their partner said to them, I feel like you're upset with me all the time. I feel like you're upset with me all the time. I feel like you don't like me and I don't know why.

And that was actually kind of a wake up call that avoiding the jealousy wasn't helping. It was making things worse. Do you ever find yourself in conflict and think, Where did this come from? Like, really think about that. Like, reflect on it. Like, anytime you find yourself in a conflict and you're like, where did this come from?

This is an opportunity to reflect on, like, were there underlying feelings of jealousy or insecurity that, like, nobody was talking about? And how might that have gone differently if you had shared your feelings earlier? Also, you know, if you asked your partner about how they're feeling. Okay, so like the good news is that you don't have to let jealousy spiral out of control, right?

Like you [00:13:00] can actually take small intentional steps now, right now, today, to prevent it from escalating into something that like damages your relationships. And they don't have to be big dramatic steps. Sometimes it's as simple as like pausing, taking a few deep breaths, and naming what you're feeling.

Maybe you journal it out, Maybe you journal out, like write out or voice memo yourself, like what triggered or activated the jealousy or just having like a five minute check in with your partner to share what's on your mind that also has some connection. Can we gaze into each other's eyes or hug for a long time?

So, you know, like let's have some connection and just quickly check in on what's going on. Um, and taking action right now might feel uncomfortable. It will probably feel uncomfortable, but it saves you so much emotional and relational stress in the long run. It's like maintaining your car, right? Like [00:14:00] you have to have regular tune ups.

You have to get oil changes. You have to replace your headlight that's been out for six months. Elicia, you have to do that. Um, it's inconvenient, but it prevents costly breakdowns later. It saves you in the long run, right? So if you're not sure where to start, here's the little step that you can take today.

The next time jealousy comes up, the next time it rears, its little green head, pause. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, what is this feeling trying to tell me? And then write it down. Like, get it out of your head. Just putting it into words can really help you start to understand it and address it and keep it from spiraling out of control.

When you, when you get into action, when you do things to address your jealousy, you're doing more than just managing it, right? You're not just like controlling your emotions. You're building trust and stability in your relationships. You're creating a relationship with your emotions as well. And [00:15:00] every time that you share How you're feeling openly, honestly, communicating your needs, and you approach curiosity, you approach jealousy with curiosity instead of judgment and shame and guilt.

You're showing yourself and your partner that you're invested in the relationship, and you're saying, I value what we have, and I'm willing to do the work to make it stronger. And the really amazing part is that this kind of proactive approach, it ripples out, right? It creates this ripple effect. Um, It encourages your partner to open up to, partner, partners, whoever, whoever it's with in the moment.

It encourages them to open up to, and that strengthens the emotional safety and trust between you. Over time, these little actions start to add up to building a relationship that feels secure and resilient and deeply connected. The cost of ignoring jealousy is in, it's too high. It doesn't just go away.

It builds up over time. [00:16:00] It erodes trust. It creates conflict. It makes it harder to feel safe and secure in your relationships. You don't have to be stuck in that cycle. You don't have to. So like, imagine what it would feel like to finally actually understand your jealousy, not be scared of it, to communicate your feelings with confidence rather than get frustrated.

To create a relationship dynamic where trust and security and connection are stronger than these moments of doubt. And that's what we're doing in Beyond Jealousy. Um, and it's not about suppressing your feelings or pretending that they don't exist, right? This is learning how to work with them, how to transform jealousy into a tool for Self awareness, deeper intimacy, personal growth.

So in Beyond Jealousy, you're going to learn how to decode the hidden messages that jealousy is giving you so that you can stop feeling stuck, how to communicate your jealousy without conflict, how to shift your mindset so that jealousy stops controlling your relationships, [00:17:00] and more importantly, how to feel secure no matter what challenges come up, right?

Even if your relationship has bigger things happening, even if your jealousy is justified, right? How, how, how do you know what to do if your jealousy is justified? If these things that you're feeling really are like, they're important things to address, or your partner is not supportive or listening or ignoring you or, uh, violating your agreements or, you know, what, whatever issues are coming up.

If that is happening, do you feel confident and secure in making the decisions that you need to make? Or are you gaslighting yourself into thinking that you're wrong because you're experiencing jealousy? So if you are, uh, ready to make those kinds of shifts, you can check out the website or the links in the comments and you can join us and I'd [00:18:00] love to see you there.

You deserve relationships that feel stable, That feel connected, that feel expansive. And it starts with learning how to navigate jealousy in a way that strengthens and not weakens your bonds and in a way that feels really good for you. Right? So thanks for listening. Thanks for choosing to show up for yourself.

I'll see you next time. Bye.