The #1 Secret to Thriving in Open Relationships, Ep. 99

Feeling lost in non-monogamy? Struggling with unclear boundaries? Without clarity, your relationships can feel uncertain and chaotic. In this episode, I break down why clarity is EVERYTHING when it comes to thriving in open relationships. 

📌 In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

✅ How to define your North Star for relationship clarity

✅ The importance of non-negotiables & why they shape your boundaries

✅ How to break free from harmful relationship patterns

✅ Why shared goals are essential for relationship success

✅ How to set clear, actionable boundaries that actually work

Want deeper support? Join my 8-week group coaching program, Beyond Jealousy!

Get expert guidance on overcoming jealousy, setting boundaries, and building confidence in your non-monogamous relationships.

🔗 Sign up now → www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy (Spots are limited!)

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hey there! Welcome back to Nope, We're Not Monogamous. I'm Ellecia, Ellecia Paine, your non monogamous relationship coach, and today we're going to talk about one of the most crucial elements of any relationship, clarity. So the number one reason that relationships fail?

a lack of clarity. If you're not clear on your needs, your boundaries, your vision, how can you expect your partner to be clear on what you need and what your boundaries are and what your vision is? So that's the question that I want to tackle and wrestle with today. Um, whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, deepening your existing relationships, trying to figure it all out.

Getting clear on your goals and your boundaries is so, so, so important.

Without it, relationships feel uncertain, unbalanced, chaotic. So today let's break it down and help you build that [00:01:00] clarity step by step. So by the end of this episode, you're going to have a better understanding of how to define your non negotiables. Recognize past patterns, understand emotional triggers, align your goals with your partners, and create really solid boundaries that actually work.

Let's go.

Having a clear why helps keep you grounded when those challenges start showing up. It's like, maybe you value autonomy and deep connections, or maybe you see love as abundant and you want to explore different ways of relating to people. Maybe you believe in continuous self-expansion through your relationships, or maybe you're just real horny.

Whatever it is, knowing your guiding principle, your North Star, ensures that your choices are intentional and not reactive. So take a moment and ask yourself, what drives me and my relationships? What kind of love and [00:02:00] connections am I building? This clarity makes everything else like boundaries and communication and agreements a lot easier to navigate and they start falling into place.  

I was working with a client who jumped into non monogamy because it's what their partner wanted and they never really asked themselves what they truly wanted. And so through some work, they got really clear on their values and they realized they weren't just going along to get along. They actually thrived in having a lot of autonomy and deep emotional connections.

And so they found like, while their reasons weren't the same, what they ultimately wanted were.

So the first step in finding clarity is getting to know what your non negotiables are, right? These are the things that are essential to you in a relationship, your core values, your absolute must haves. Without knowing what these are, it's really easy to end up in situations where your needs aren't being met or where you feel like you're constantly compromising yourself, and [00:03:00] then resentment starts to build up.

So, I'm going to give you a little exercise. Think back to your past relationships, or even earlier in the relationships you're in now. What are the things that when they were missing, made you feel frustrated, made you feel drained or unfulfilled? Write. Maybe it has to do with open communication. Maybe it has to do with autonomy.

Maybe it has to do with emotional depth. Maybe it has to do with housework. Well, whatever it is, define it and write it down. Get really specific. We are excellent at vagary. We're really good at saying, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. Well, what doesn't feel right? What doesn't work for you? Right.

Your non-negotiables aren't about having control. They're about having self respect. This is where you start to put self respect and self love and boundaries into place. When you have your non negotiables defined, you can share them with confidence instead of just reacting whenever that line, that invisible line gets [00:04:00] crossed.

I've heard this from several clients, but also myself. There's this idea that we can compromise on our need for open, honest communication, right? Like if you just keep pushing your feelings down to keep the peace, cause it's not that big of a deal, right? Over time, this resentment starts to build up.

And then when you finally start bringing up one thing, the rest just starts pouring out, right? And so you really have to, um, If this is important to you, define open communication as a non negotiable in your relationship. When you can find what that is for you, your relationships become a lot more aligned, a lot more fulfilling, a lot more open.

For me, I really had to go, Oh, actually, it has to be okay for me to share the little things. Not just wait until it's a big thing, right? I have to feel comfortable and safe to say when I have a little wibble, when I, um, don't like [00:05:00] the way something is said to me because it, it triggers a thing from my past, right?

Like, it doesn't mean that my partner has to change, but like, I have to be able to say it. Okay. So, uh, next, next up, I want to talk to you about patterns. Okay. If you've ever felt like, You just keep repeating the same mistakes and you end up in the same situations. This part is for you. We all have these unconscious patterns that shape our relationships and the way we, we interact in our relationships.

Some of them are healthy and some not so much. Maybe you have a habit of, uh, prioritizing other people's needs over your own. Or maybe you get stuck in relationships where you don't really feel seen, like they don't see who you really are. Or maybe you tend to avoid conflict instead of addressing things head on.

 The good news is that once you see the pattern, you can actually break it. One powerful way to do that is to journal [00:06:00] about your, uh, past relationships, past experiences. What were my biggest challenges? What role did I play in them? What would I do differently now? One of the biggest patterns that I see over and over and over in my coaching work with people is that people rush into agreements that don't actually work for them or that they don't actually even want.

Like they don't take time to figure out what other options are there, or they're so worried about. Saying that that doesn't work for them and that they're like, maybe they'll lose their partner or they'll lose the opportunity. Um, so a lot of FOMO actually like this, this fear of missing out comes into play.

So they just say yes to things that they aren't actually okay with, right? And so, um, once people start identifying that pattern, it becomes a lot easier to set boundaries that are aligned for them. Right? Like stop saying yes to things that you are not a yes to. Because you feel like [00:07:00] you should, or you have to, or the alternative doesn't feel good.

But that's not going to feel good either, right? So you got to start recognizing these patterns so that you can make intentional choices instead of falling into the same cycles by default.

Having clarity isn't just about your own needs, it's about being on the same page with your partners. A relationship without shared goals is like going on a road trip with no destination. It can be fun, don't get me wrong, that can be a lot of fun, but you just keep driving and you're not sure where you're going and you have no idea where the next gas station is and eventually you're like, fuck, when are we getting out of the car?

I want to think, there's one couple that I worked with who, they thought they wanted the same thing. And it turned out that one wanted a lot of hierarchy and the other actually valued relationship anarchy, right? And without this clarity on what goals they had in common, what their shared goals were, they kept feeling frustrated and misaligned, [00:08:00] right?

And once they talked about their core values and what those meant for them, they were able to find compromises and collaborate on relationship agreements that actually, like, really worked for them. But until they figured that out, until they got really clear on their individual desires, needs and values, what they wanted as a couple, as a relationship, like it, it just wasn't working.

Let me tell you a little bit more about that. Um, you know, one, one partner really wanted hierarchy and they just kept coming back to hierarchy and like, like that was the thing they kept saying. Those were the words they kept using, but what they really meant. What they really wanted was to know that, like, if they're, if they got a flat tire, they could call their partner to come help them, right?

If there was an emergency, their partner would be there for them. If there was, um, if they, they were in a medical crisis, their partner would be there for them. But they [00:09:00] were so hung up on that relationship anarchy and, and equality across relationships, they felt like that meant nothing. that if their partner was on a date, they wouldn't go, Hey, date, my other partner is in an emergency or they're throwing up and can't watch the kids or, you know, like they wouldn't be able to go and help them.

And that's not hierarchy. That's the agreements that they've made. And this is a person that they lean on for some of these things. And so, once they got clear on what it actually meant for them, They were able to make agreements around that, but they were hung up on these like titles and what they thought those titles meant.

And so if clarity is the key to strong relationships, then boundaries are the framework that holds everything together, right? A strong boundary is clear, it's actionable, it's enforceable. I'll give you an example. Instead of saying, [00:10:00] like, I don't want to feel disrespected, which is pretty vague. Now you have to define what does feeling disrespected look like? What does disrespect look like? What are all the things that fall under that? Right? So like something more concrete might be like, if we're in a conflict, I need us to pause instead of escalating to where we're like calling each other names That's the disrespect, right?

That's the feeling. I need us to pause and calm down instead of saying I need more reassurance, which again is pretty vague and can feel like a bottomless cup, right? Like you can never give enough. You might say something like when I'm feeling insecure, I'd love it if you checked in with me once a day.

And I'll let you know when I'm feeling insecure. Because otherwise it feels like a trap, like, when do I do this? I've talked to people who, um, feel really disrespected when their partner [00:11:00] makes like, last minute, uh, date changes. Last minute plan changes. And, um, So instead of continuing to say like, I don't like this, I hate it when you do that, this feels like crap, they got really clear on their own boundary. I need a 24 hour notice for any schedule changes so that I can plan my life, so I can make other plans, so I can do what I need to do.

And once they communicated that, the problem kind of dissolved, right? It doesn't mean dates were ever changed, but they were able to make other plans or get clear on like, what that would mean for their day, for their, for their life. Um, and that, that took away the fight out of it. The clearer your boundaries are, the easier they are to maintain and the healthier the relationships are that you can create.

Okay. This fricking important. Getting clear on what you need, what you want, what you [00:12:00] desire, what your boundaries are, having real clarity on what your North Star is, your why, that makes it worth going through all of the effort, all the growth, all the growing pains, right? Just, just a little bit of, of what, what the importance of that is.

And if that resonates with you, right? If you want to have more deep clarity in your relationships, you can come work with me. I'm totally open to that. I just, want you to know that there is, an eight week group coaching program starting pretty soon called Beyond Jealousy, where we're going to get into having clarity in your relationship, defining your boundaries, your emotional triggers, the tools you need to navigate non monogamy with confidence, without feeling jealous and insane and blowing shit up.

This isn't about theory. This is a transformational program. Where we really dig in. We're not just going to talk about shit. So if you're ready to stop guessing and you want to start thriving, head over to my website, elleciapaine.com/jealousy. Don't leave your relationships up to chance.

[00:13:00] Build them with a lot of intention.

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