Thriving in Non Monogamous Social Situations Without Drama, Ep. 103

The dinner party where your partner's other partner shows up. The wedding where you're trying to explain your relationship structure to curious relatives. The community gathering where you're juggling attention between multiple partners.

Social events in non-monogamous relationships present unique challenges that most relationship advice completely ignores.

In this raw and practical episode, I sit down with Danny to unpack exactly how to navigate these complex situations with confidence. Drawing from our combined experiences, we share the strategies that actually work when theory meets reality.

What You'll Learn:

• Proven pre-event communication strategies that prevent misunderstandings
• Real-world techniques for managing jealousy when it hits unexpectedly
• How to balance attention between partners without keeping a mental scorecard
• Post-event reconnection rituals that strengthen all your relationships

Real Stories, Real Solutions

We don't just share theory - we open up about our own awkward moments, painful lessons, and eventual breakthroughs. From Danny's first swinger party anxiety to my own experience navigating family gatherings with multiple partners, we offer the kind of honest insights that only come from lived experience.

"The goal isn't to never feel uncomfortable," I explain. "It's to have tools to handle the discomfort when it inevitably shows up."

Communication is Key: We discuss why talking about your fears and expectations before an event can make all the difference. It's not just about setting rules in your non- monogamous relationships – it's about understanding each other's needs and concerns.

Navigating Different Dynamics: From swinger parties to polyamory gatherings, we explore how to handle various social situations with multiple partners. Learn how to balance attention and manage different relationship structures in public settings.

Building Confidence: Discover how each social event is an opportunity to grow more secure in your open relationships and yourself. We share personal stories of overcoming anxiety and building resilience.

Want the Non-Monogamy Card Game? Get your discount with coupon code NOPE10 https://www.thenonmonogamycardgame.com/products/the-game

Remember, feeling nervous about these situations is completely normal. The key is learning how to work through those feelings and create positive experiences for yourself and your partners.

Join us for an honest, sometimes humorous

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Transcript

[00:00:00] Ellecia: Do social situations or social events with your partners where maybe there might be other partners there or other people you're interested in? Or maybe it's like a swinger party or maybe it's just a social event, but do things like that ever make you anxious? A little nervous, a little worried? What do I expect?

How do I behave? What do I do? Do they ever make you anxious? 

[00:00:25] Danny: Always. 

[00:00:26] Ellecia: Every time. Every 

[00:00:27] Danny: single time. Yeah, every single one. 

[00:00:28] Ellecia: I've learned that like my feelings of nervousness or anxiety. Are the exact same, like physical sensations as what I'm really excited. And so it all gets kind of mixed up and it's hard to tell what's going on.

If I'm excited or if I'm nervous or if I'm horny or what. Maybe hungry, like, is that my tummy growling? I love it. I have all those 

[00:00:47] Danny: problems that that's the, and yeah, I, uh, I've heard this. That's a real thing. Uh, I don't quote me 'cause I don't know what I'm quoting, uh, but in your, uh, brain, uh, like your brain doesn't know what [00:01:00] it's feeling either there's just a hormone release because of a situation.

And then you can tell yourself like, oh, I'm very angry right now, or I'm very anxious. Or I'm excited. 'cause those things are all very, very similar. And then your brain says, oh, okay. Well if that's who you think it's, that's probably what this is. 

Yeah. 

[00:01:15] Danny: So you can trick yourself into Yeah. Yeah. Into feeling excited about something you're actually nervous about.

[00:01:19] Ellecia: Yeah. You're just in an activated state. Yeah. And then you're. You, you make up a story to go with that activated state and your brain goes, I'm down with that one. Let's do it. Yeah. 

[00:01:29] Danny: Brains are 

[00:01:29] Ellecia: so good unless it's so activated that you're into like fight, flight, freeze, and then it's like, fuck your stories.

We're gonna die. 

[00:01:36] Danny: Oh yeah. It's bad at that one too, isn't it? 

[00:01:38] Ellecia: Yeah. Welcome to. Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia. And that's Danny. That's me, Danny. I'm happy you're here. So every time we go to record one of these, we're like, oh my God, what are we gonna talk about? And then we spend about an hour and a half trying to set up like microphones and stuff and like get the lighting right, because that's important for a [00:02:00] podcast.

Right. But it is important for a video. So if you're just listening, uh, to the podcast, you can also watch the video if you like to see things. Just like listening to the audio that's made too. 'cause Danny's a dope ass editor. Aw, that makes the audio sound great. Thank you. Stop. 

[00:02:17] Danny: And you're welcome. It's 

[00:02:18] Ellecia: really good.

So good. Danny, you're the best. 

[00:02:21] Danny: Thank you. I'm gonna edit this out. No, you're not.

Um, 

[00:02:32] Ellecia: that was the intro. That was the intro. 

[00:02:33] Danny: How did we 

[00:02:33] Ellecia: do? 

[00:02:34] Danny: I loved it. 

[00:02:35] Ellecia: You can edit this part. 

[00:02:36] Danny: You can edit this part out. Now I'm gonna leave it in. 

[00:02:38] Ellecia: Aw, 

[00:02:38] Danny: yeah. 

[00:02:39] Ellecia: Um, okay. So. Yeah, like we talked about like social events, but I feel like parties, or, I mean it is, it's social events. Like if you are polyamorous and you have multiple partners, are you, uh, and multiple partners will be there.

Which one is your date? Are you like, do you have a specific date? I knew people, I know people [00:03:00] who like specify like, this is my date for this event and I know other people who just like really free flow. Uh, some people need to know that. Others don't want that. And then you add on to that if you're not polyamorous, but non-monogamous in other ways, like maybe you're a swinger or maybe you're just slutty, whatever, and you're going to an event that you know, maybe there's someone there that you wanna make out with or something, or multiple someones that you wanna make out with.

And then how to navigate that with partners there. There's so many different, there's so many different levels and ways that it can happen, um, that it's hard to, like, it's hard to, you can't just give like, well, I can't just give blanket advice. Like a lot of it is very situational and specific to relationships, but I feel like there is some universal advice and also there's some like general [00:04:00] advice and also maybe just like how we do things maybe is helpful.

Or how other people I know do things Yeah. Can be helpful because it's nice to know that, like, to not try to reinvent the wheel. 

[00:04:11] Danny: Yeah, absolutely. Like just not talking about it isn't gonna help anybody. Yeah. 

[00:04:15] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:04:15] Danny: So you gotta say something. 

[00:04:17] Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, a lot of people don't, though. A lot of people walk into a situation and then they're like, oh shit, we should have talked about this.

It never even crossed my mind that I wouldn't be the person that you're focused on at this event with 50 people or whatever. 

[00:04:32] Danny: Yeah, that would suck. 

[00:04:33] Ellecia: But you know, like 

[00:04:35] Danny: not knowing would suck. Not 

[00:04:37] Ellecia: not knowing is uncomfortable, especially if you're more of an introvert or just really excited, like maybe you don't see each other all the time and this is your date night and it's a very social event, and you're like, well, I thought if I were like, I thought that this was our chance to spend time together, but.

You're just socializing with everybody but me [00:05:00] like as if we lived together and had every day together. Well that would be really uncomfortable. So that's the kind of thing, I think we've actually talked about that. 

[00:05:07] Danny: Yeah, that's actually kind of our situation. 

[00:05:09] Ellecia: Yeah, because like I think before the first party we went to I was like, this is great, but like I would really love it if we like spent time together at this party as well.

[00:05:18] Danny: Yeah, I think you did Uhhuh and that was super helpful 

[00:05:21] Ellecia: because I had seen other people go through it. And been like, you know, this feels like a thing we should talk about. 

[00:05:27] Danny: You're 

[00:05:27] Ellecia: so 

wise. Thank 

[00:05:28] Ellecia: you. Okay, so let's start with how do you establish, I don't wanna say ground rules, but like how do you establish the, a 

[00:05:39] Danny: common understanding?

[00:05:40] Ellecia: Yeah, like, like how connected this is actually great. Like asking your partners like how connected do you like to be at social events? 

[00:05:49] Danny: Ooh, that's a good way to say that. 

[00:05:50] Ellecia: Right? Like, how connected do you like to be? Do you just wanna be a free bird and go off and do your own thing and not ever think about me at an event and does that work for me?

Right. I'm a, I'm an [00:06:00] extrovert pretty social. That kind of works for me. Um, but I do like regular check-ins. Oh yeah. Right. Um, or if you're someone. Who is very introverted and is like, whoa, I don't even wanna go to the party, let alone, let alone be left on my own to socialize. Can I please just follow you everywhere?

Does that, like, I feel like so much of it is checking in, like does that work for you on, on the a regular basis? And also does that work for you for this type of event that we're going to? 

[00:06:34] Danny: Yeah, I think, yeah, I do. I think that that checking in is the, is the important part. As long as there is a common understanding.

[00:06:40] Ellecia: Mm-hmm. 

[00:06:41] Danny: Uh, and you're not just going into it blind. 

[00:06:44] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:06:46] Danny: And it's good to have the discussion before you actually go to whatever this event is. 

[00:06:50] Ellecia: Okay. So it, um, I'm gonna give a couple of examples. One being like a swinger party, like a segggs party. Something where the [00:07:00] purpose is to hook up with people. Most people going to, like swingers events are couples who have like a, you know, a primary relationship who are going to, like, usually they already have their ground rules established.

Like they play together. They play separate. They play separate, but in the same room. Like, they kind of have that established and then they meet up with, so, so they have kind of done that already. I hope so. Please, please do that. Uh, 

[00:07:29] Danny: well, everybody has their first time. 

[00:07:32] Ellecia: Well, yeah, 

[00:07:32] Danny: yeah. I think that's what we're addressing.

[00:07:35] Ellecia: Not necessarily Ooh, fair. No. 'cause I, because it progresses also, like people like might have those same ground rules forever. 

[00:07:44] Danny: Sure. 

[00:07:44] Ellecia: Or they might have that established, you know, like, maybe, maybe that's what they like to do. Maybe they do that for like six months and then they're like, actually we, we feel way more confident and secure in this, and now we're gonna like just go do our own thing.[00:08:00] 

So I feel like a swinger's party. Most people already have that kind of established, like what their comfort level is in being separate or together or connected with their partner. Yeah. But then if we go from there to another event that's like say just a, a birthday party with. Multiple where there might be multiple partners of yours or like your Metamours, other partners of your partner.

[00:08:30] Danny: Yeah. 

[00:08:31] Ellecia: Right. So, okay. I'm gonna give an example. 

[00:08:33] Danny: Please do. 

[00:08:35] Ellecia: One of the first times they came to your house was your birthday party. Yes. And so you had your two established partners that you live with there, plus me and. So I wasn't sure, and we had not had a conversation about this because we were pretty new.

So I was just playing it cool. Like I didn't want to steal all of your attention and time away because one, [00:09:00] it was a party and you, you know, you were hosting multiple people also, you had your two part like established partners there. So I didn't wanna like be too clingy and, and yeah, and touchy with you.

And you navigated it so freaking well, I watched you like, make your social rounds and you kept coming back to me and checking in and like talking to me. And then like you were doing your little social rounds and it felt so good. 

[00:09:24] Danny: Oh my God. Yeah. I was, uh, it was on my mind. I, I, I remember that because we hadn't talked about it.

I was like, man, I don't know what I'm supposed to do because I do. 'cause I wanna make sure you felt noticed and special and appreciated. But at the same time, I didn't want my other people to feel abandoned. Not feel that. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I didn't wanna abandon other people. And Yeah, that it is, that's a, that's a weird line to, to walk on.

[00:09:43] Ellecia: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

[00:09:45] Danny: Yeah. And I'm glad that I I 

[00:09:47] Ellecia: You did it so well. I did lot. You were like a, you were like an old pro. 

[00:09:51] Danny: I was, no, I was a lucky, 

[00:09:53] Ellecia: a lucky first timer. 

[00:09:54] Danny: That's it. 

[00:09:56] Ellecia: Um, but if it were something else, [00:10:00] um, there've been other events that we've gone to where, like other people's parties. Where you had multiple partners there along with me, but also your other partners had other partners there and friends.

I didn't know very many people. 

[00:10:18] Danny: Sure. 

[00:10:19] Ellecia: And so again, like you'd navigated that we both kind of socialized and kept coming back together without that being established. It just we, we flowed really well. Yeah. 

[00:10:28] Danny: I think that even without discussing, I think you and I both just like check-ins because I really do like that just.

Yeah, that feels good. 

[00:10:36] Danny: But at the same time, I don't think I need to te take all of your time, 

right? 

[00:10:39] Danny: Yeah. Yeah. I happy to myself a lot. 

Not that much. 

[00:10:43] Danny: It could be more That is true, but maybe at a party isn't the place to 

[00:10:48] Ellecia: Oh, 

[00:10:48] Danny: eye gaze. 

[00:10:49] Ellecia: Okay. So then I'm thinking I'm, I'm kind of going through our experience Yeah.

Of when, I don't know if it was the first time, I don't think it was, but I'm thinking of a party [00:11:00] that, an event that we were going to where we both. Had the opportunity, it could be that we would like go make out with someone. Like, like there were people there that we may or may not be interested in. Um, and so we did talk about it like, yes, because now, now we brought in like this other equation of like, Ooh, am I gonna feel jealous?

Am I gonna feel insecure? Am I gonna feel abandoned If you're like off making out with someone or just flirting with someone? Mm-hmm. And I maybe I am not talking to anyone. Or 

[00:11:33] Danny: That's okay. That's the fear, isn't it? 

[00:11:35] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:11:35] Danny: Is that you're gonna go there and your partner's gonna be super popular and they're gonna be hitting off with new people, and you're gonna be stuck a smelly loser with no one by yourself.

Nobody. 

[00:11:46] Ellecia: Nobody wants to talk to me. Yeah. I think that's a super common fear. That's actually not my fear 

[00:11:54] Danny: really, but I've 

[00:11:55] Ellecia: heard you talk about that. That is mine. 

[00:11:56] Danny: That is absolutely my fear. Yeah. 

[00:11:57] Ellecia: My fear is not that like I won't have [00:12:00] anyone to talk to. More that there won't be anyone I want to talk to. 

[00:12:04] Danny: Okay.

That's 'cause you're way cooler than I am. 

[00:12:05] Ellecia: That sounds so shitty. Wow. 

[00:12:07] Danny: No, it's dope. Yeah. That makes you sound awesome. 

[00:12:10] Ellecia: Oh, I don't think so. But like, yeah, my fear is like, oh, there's gonna be someone who captures your attention and nobody that I like. You're the coolest person there, the one I wanna talk to.

And somebody else has caught your attention. Somebody's cooler than me. Which I know is not actually the case, but that's the fear. That's the insecurity. 

[00:12:34] Danny: Yeah. That's the feeling in the moment. Yeah. It's like, oh man, it's all over again. It's your, it's your brain being like life or death. There's no in between.

[00:12:41] Ellecia: And our natural instincts to combat that are actually different. They're kind of opposite 

[00:12:47] Danny: ours. Our, our personal. Okay. What do you mean? 

[00:12:49] Ellecia: Because mine is, well, I'm just gonna go over there and put myself in that conversation and get close and be cute and hold his arm and. 

[00:12:57] Danny: Yeah, 

[00:12:58] Ellecia: be a little cat and play with him.

[00:12:59] Danny: I [00:13:00] know. So cute. 

[00:13:03] Ellecia: And yours is more like, I'll just remove myself from, like, I'll just let her be and I'll just remove myself from the equation so I don't bother anybody. 

[00:13:11] Danny: God, you read me. Well, yeah. I don't wanna, I don't wanna step on your toes because I feel, uh, my, oh my God, that's, that's probably a really complex, like this like thought process.

I think there's a lot of angles I can come at it from, but yeah, I, I don't, I don't want, like, first of all, I think it would make me seem really insecure if I'm just like, Hey, this is my girl. See how I'm putting my arm on here? Yeah. Uh, and I don't wanna come off that way. And also, I mean, hey, like if you are making a connection, I don't wanna like get in the way of it.

You're so sweet. 

[00:13:40] Danny: Maybe, maybe I'm just like worried I'm gonna act like an asshole. Oh. 

[00:13:46] Ellecia: Can 

[00:13:46] Danny: I say asshole? 

[00:13:47] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:13:47] Danny: Okay, good. 

[00:13:48] Ellecia: But I think only twice. 

[00:13:49] Danny: Okay. No, I'm kidding. Oh, I just did it twice. It's over. Okay. No more. I'm done saying asshole. 

[00:13:54] Ellecia: Um, okay. So how does that translate to advice for other people? [00:14:00] How does that translate to something that would be helpful for You'all?

[00:14:05] Danny: Why aren't they speaking up? I 

[00:14:06] Ellecia: know. I feel like it is helpful to hear that like 

[00:14:08] Danny: Yeah, they're not alone. 

[00:14:10] Ellecia: Yeah. These are normal. These are normal ways to feel like, and, and the key here is that. We both are very mindful of like, even though I'm having all those feelings, like it's fine. Yeah, absolutely.

That's fine. 

[00:14:24] Danny: I've taken a lot of practice, but I've gotten there where it's like my feelings are, feelings are not back. 

[00:14:28] Ellecia: Yeah. Like I, I can, I can be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Like I might spend like a minute being like, okay, I'm like picturing a certain scenario, seeing some girl who's all cute and ts hitting on you, and I'm like, it.

Whatever, Ellecia. It's fine. It's not threatening. It's fine. It's okay. Now here I am, like gaslighting myself into like feeling like it's fine, you don't feel anything. It's okay. And at some point I go, wait. I take [00:15:00] a deep breath, like just a couple of 'em, just center myself and calm myself and go, okay. Like, yeah, I'm feeling a little insecure, I'm feeling a little jealous probably.

Or a bunch of things underneath that.

What would I tell someone else to do right now? Well, I would probably tell them like, what do you have going on? Are you gonna sit here and pout or go socialize, have a good time. Go to the snack table where there's other people grabbing snacks. 'cause they also feel awkward. 

[00:15:28] Danny: Oh my God. 

[00:15:29] Ellecia: Oh yeah. Okay. 

[00:15:30] Danny: That's good advice.

If there's a 

[00:15:31] Ellecia: snack table, go grab snacks. One, your hands are busy. Maybe your mouth is busy, like you're doing something. You're not just sitting there like, Ugh, I feel bad. Okay. And you might be thinking, I don't wanna be caught stuff in my face. 'cause that's awkward. Also, it's not, I promise, you're, you're, you're, you're doing something to change your situation and your brain goes, it focuses on an, on the next thing.

Maybe it's you're just going and pouring yourself a seltzer water. Like it doesn't matter. Um, or maybe you're just grabbing a napkin, [00:16:00] like just doing something. And that's a really easy way to start socializing with other people. Like if someone else is grabbing a napkin and you're like, ha, did you spill on yourself?

[00:16:10] Danny: I know, you know, start a conversation. Yeah. Start a, start a conversation. Truly. One of my favorite party memories, uh, was, uh, you and I were at a party together and I think for like almost an hour, there was like eight of us in the kitchen naked. Just like people kept like, we're just grabbing snacks and whatnot.

Yeah. It's a good, what I'm saying is that the snack table was, wait, we were in the kitchen naked. 

Yeah. 

[00:16:34] Danny: Not your kitchen, but it was a party. 

[00:16:37] Ellecia: Ah, yeah. Yeah. We were at a party and it was, I know it sounds weird. It's not weird. It wasn't weird. It's not weird. The food was already made. We weren't picking the food.

Yeah, 

[00:16:43] Danny: exactly. And everyone washes their hands and whatnot. 

[00:16:45] Ellecia: Okay. 

[00:16:47] Danny: Make, it's not weird. 

[00:16:50] Ellecia: We're normalizing. Okay.

Maybe it was a food party. Yeah. So if I'm sitting there like, okay, I'll do this creepy [00:17:00] thing where I sit there and stare and watch and hope that nobody notices. I'm staring and watching, guys, you're not alone. I do it too. Okay. I promise. Um, and I have to, I'll, I have to talk myself out of it. I'm like, okay, stop it.

You're being weird. Go do something else. You get to feel your feeling. Go do something else. Focus on. So don't be a jerk and be like, go in on your conversation. However, established also. In our conversations like this, like, that's fine. If you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling left out, if you're feeling bored, like, come join me.

Come enter the conversation. Come hold my hand, come kiss me. Like, doesn't matter. We have given each other like, like that. I wanna say permission, like, but also just like I, I invite that. I welcome that because. That's, that's how we've established. And we could have easily in those conversations said like, actually, if I'm engaged in a conversation, go [00:18:00] do your own thing.

Not to be a jerk and like tell you to go away, but like, I don't, I wanna enjoy the conversation I'm having and at some point I am going to come find you. That could have been how that went. 

[00:18:12] Danny: So at, uh, it sounds like what we're saying is to have a game plan, like just whatever you're going to do, like discuss it beforehand.

And whether it is like, give me space when we're there until such and such time, which again, if you are a person who needs those check-ins and your partner does not, uh, especially then, right? Like say, okay, well, but every hour and a half at least, and I come like, poke you come say hi. Yeah. 

[00:18:37] Ellecia: Yeah. Or 15 minutes, whatever it's, or 15 minutes everyone has.

Yeah. 

[00:18:41] Danny: Whatever your thing is. Yeah. 

[00:18:44] Ellecia: Some people wanna be at the party for an hour and a half and leave. Uh, yeah, 

[00:18:48] Danny: I mean, I've been to those parties. Well, I mean, I've been that guy at a party, I'll say that. Yeah. Yeah. I've been to parties where I'm like, oh, I can leave. 

[00:18:53] Ellecia: Yeah. I said, hi, 

[00:18:55] Danny: only go to good parties too.

That's my other piece of advice. 

[00:18:59] Ellecia: Okay. [00:19:00] I'm thinking of, so if you have multiple partners there, so we just talked a lot about our experiences being partners at an event. 

[00:19:08] Danny: Mm-hmm. 

[00:19:10] Ellecia: With other like potential mm-hmm. People there. But what about our other. Well, and I talked about yours, but we've also been at events where like my nesting partner has been there, my anchor partner.

Yeah. And because I like the flip side of this because it's a very different feeling for me of navigating my, like the being at an event with the person I live with who like I'm longer established with. Right. And, and, and having my other partner there and having to like, well, well, like you were talking about like.

Balancing that. 

Yeah. 

[00:19:47] Ellecia: Um, and not, not leaving my partner, either of my partners feeling abandoned or like left out. It's a different feeling than [00:20:00] navigating the feeling of being anxious or nervous because like I feel insecure or I am worried about. 

[00:20:11] Danny: Missed being left out. 

[00:20:12] Ellecia: Being left out. Yeah. I get FOMO a lot.

Oh yeah. Me. So I talk about that a lot. Like fomo, I get jealous. But being on the other side of that, trying to like soothe that in other partners 

Ooh, yeah. 

[00:20:23] Ellecia: Is an important piece of that. Because again, it's having those conversations and not, and talking about like what you're willing to give or what you are excited to give.

Not just willing, but like, but also like upholding your own boundaries I think is really important too. Like I want to go and so like I'm going to a party to socialize, not to sit on the couch with you. 

[00:20:46] Danny: Yeah, absolutely. 

[00:20:46] Ellecia: Unless I'm going to the party to sit on the couch with you and socialize. Yeah. 

[00:20:52] Danny: Which again is worth bringing up beforehand.

Like what are we doing here? 

[00:20:55] Ellecia: Yeah. So it all comes back to talking about. Your fears, your [00:21:00] discomforts, what you expect, what you'd like. 

[00:21:01] Danny: Is that just the answer to everything 

[00:21:03] Ellecia: Mostly? Yeah. Yeah. It just, 

[00:21:04] Danny: it all goes back to like you talk it out. 

[00:21:06] Ellecia: Yeah. But go on the, the issue, like, the hard part of that is we don't know what we don't know.

Yes. People don't know how they're, human beings are so bad at guessing how we're going to feel in a situation ahead of, ahead of time. 

[00:21:21] Danny: Yeah. 

[00:21:21] Ellecia: When you haven't had that experience. We're so bad at guessing that. So I think every plan has to have some flexibility built in. Like, okay, we just made an agreement.

We just made a plan. And in addition to that, can we check in if that needs to change? 

[00:21:38] Danny: Yeah. And when, when do you do that though? Like when is it okay to shift the plan?

Good question. 

[00:21:48] Danny: Yeah. Like if we're at like a, like some crazy sex party and I walk in on my partner in the middle of a gang bang. 

[00:21:54] Ellecia: Mm-hmm. 

[00:21:55] Danny: Is that when 

[00:21:56] Ellecia: I don't think so. I'm like, I'm like, I 

[00:21:57] Danny: know that I said I was cool with this before, but it turns [00:22:00] out I'm not. Does that mean I just canceled this party? Or we're, or do you wait until afterward and be like, okay, I did agree to this.

You didn't do it. I'm not mad. I can't be. Nothing's gonna happen to you. I'm having a lot of feelings. Yeah. I'm not gonna take this out on you, but Oh my God. But I'm not 

[00:22:13] Ellecia: gonna direct my anger at you. Yeah. Which I think is a, that's where jealousy gets the bad rap, right? Is this like, and then they were a, a total asshole to me.

Yeah. Or then I acted like a crazy person. 

[00:22:25] Danny: Yeah. I, I think it's probably a good rule of thumb is that if people are doing the things that you just agreed to, I, I don't think you get to be angry about it. I think you can change it for next time. 

[00:22:35] Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. You can process your feelings. You can talk about it.

Yeah. But pulling people out and going, this is, but okay. But also a lot of times people think they talked about things and it turns out they were not very good at that conversation. True. And one thinks, but you said this was fine. And the other one was like, no, I said it was fine for you to hook up with one person, not 11.

[00:22:57] Danny: I. [00:23:00] But 

[00:23:00] Ellecia: that's not what it sounded like to me. What if I'm in the orgy room? 

[00:23:04] Danny: So in that instance, is it, oh, do you pull your partner out an orgy? Do you like, we're leaving this, or do you throw afin? Do you leave? 

[00:23:11] Ellecia: What do you do? No, I think you go take a few deep breaths because it's already happened. Yeah.

Like 

[00:23:18] Danny: I, I'm with you. I'm just curious. We, what You said it's already 

[00:23:20] Ellecia: happened. Like go take a few deep breath. Calm yourself down. Yeah. Sex things. They are. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I know not everyone feels that way, but, and I didn't used to either. Like, I used to really like, um, that's a story for another day, 

[00:23:43] Danny: not on topic.

The thing 

[00:23:44] Ellecia: that just came to mind for me, but I've definitely had situations where what my partner and I had agreed to.

In my mind fit within a container. It was within a [00:24:00] structure, like a set time or a set environment. And in their mind it was the act that we had agreed to. And so then they were like, and this isn't you. If you're like going, what, what is this? And they were going, uh, but we had agreed to this. And I was like, yeah.

I thought that was over. We had agreed to it for that time period not to keep happening again and again. And it, I had felt like betrayed and like just, I felt terrible. And, and they were like, we, we talked about this. You did not say within this timeframe, like that, those words didn't happen. There was a lot of assumptions that were made and it was a, a really.

It felt like a relationship crisis in that moment, but as we talked about it and reflected, I was like, I could, I could see I made a lot of assumptions about how I thought we were on the same [00:25:00] page, and so I think it's really important to give so much grace and so much compassion and just assume that your partner has the best intentions that they aren't, their intention isn't.

To skirt your agreements or to pull the wool over your eyes or to get one over on you. If your assumption, if that's where you go to automatically about your partner, your relationship has a whole other set of issues that have nothing to do with non-monogamy. Actually like that. That like if your first thought is my partner's being an asshole and wants to hurt me, yeah.

That's not a very good friend. That's the issue that needs to be worked on, not the thing that you're fighting about. Yeah, 

[00:25:42] Danny: man, you're good at this. 

[00:25:44] Ellecia: Thanks. Sometimes eventually I get there, but so like I, I had to go, okay, I know that this is someone who loves me and I, I can see how this was a big disconnect in our communication, that we just we're coming from a [00:26:00] different place, that we both made different assumptions about this agreement that we had made because we both left out pieces.

Like common sense. Common sense, right. In quotes, or that felt like a given. 

[00:26:17] Danny: Mm-hmm. But 

[00:26:18] Ellecia: they weren't. They really weren't. 

[00:26:20] Danny: I think common sense is such a dangerous concept. 

[00:26:22] Ellecia: Oh, it's so bad because 

[00:26:23] Danny: everybody has a different, everybody's got a different sense that they consider common. 

[00:26:27] Ellecia: My ex-husband used that term with me.

Oh. So often. Anytime he would get mad at me, he'd go, it's common sense Ellecia. 

Oh 

[00:26:33] Ellecia: my God. And I'd look at him and be like, if it were common sense. 

Be born with it. It 

[00:26:36] Ellecia: would be more common, like I would know it. I have a lot of common sense, like I'm a pretty savvy person. If this were a common sense thing, I think I would be aware of it.

It can't be common sense. Yeah. Then can't be real. 

[00:26:52] Danny: It's just something that he has a firm grasp on. 

[00:26:54] Ellecia: It turns out like whatever, whatever it's came from very different communication cultures and very different relationship cultures and [00:27:00] so what felt like common sense to him? Was not common sense to me. I was like, that is not a thing at all.

Ever. Never heard of it. Dunno what you're talking about. But of course that was, 

[00:27:11] Danny: uh, I'm sure you were, 

[00:27:13] Ellecia: I'm sure you were still wrong. Uh, so it sounds 

[00:27:19] Danny: like we're saying 

mm-hmm. 

[00:27:22] Danny: It sounds like we're saying that, uh, I basically don't assume common sense. Yeah. I think that that's probably a really good piece of advice, real, is that don't assume that anything has been said.

Yeah. Or, or, okay. I mean, yeah, like, unless it's been said obviously, but don't, don't assume that things are just understood. If you have a concern about how you're gonna feel or maybe a concern of how your partner's gonna feel, any of that, like bring it up. It's worth talking about you're, you're with, this is someone you're in a relationship with.

If that, that's, I'm assuming that's what we're addressing here, right? Would this happen with someone you're not relationship with? No, I think we're on topic relationships.[00:28:00] 

Uh, but it's someone you love, right? Talk to 'em. It's fun. Just, just talk to 'em. Any feelings you got, bring it up. 

[00:28:07] Ellecia: That, that, that, right. I think that is the thing is we go, I have this fear. Maybe I'm not acknowledging it or addressing it, and it's kind of like, like a little tickle of a fear or concern, but I'm not gonna bring it up because, well then I'll sound insecure or then I'll sound me or then I'll sound right.

And so I kind of push it aside. Push it back, like it's fine. It'll be fine. And then in the moment, in the situation, in the social setting, oh, that thing that I thought might be a little bit of an issue that I never mentioned is actually an issue and it feels really big and hard. And now I'm in this situation of like, well, shit, I never even brought it up.

So like, talk about your insecurities. Like it's fine. 

[00:28:51] Danny: So fine. 

[00:28:52] Ellecia: And, and I think that people are often surprised when they bring up insecurities. How accepting their partners are, or how they're like, oh my God, me too. [00:29:00] 

[00:29:00] Danny: Oh, the, the amount of times you and I have. Me too. Oh, okay. That's not me. No, actually, scratch that.

[00:29:07] Ellecia: We have 

[00:29:07] Danny: said, oh, me too, as well to each other. 

[00:29:11] Ellecia: Oh, I feel that too. Yeah. Feel that. Yeah. Yes. The number of times. 

[00:29:19] Danny: The number of times. Uh, yeah. I think that you, you'll probably have more in common with your partner than you think. Like truly it. I think it's just something to really just better, I think it strengthens relationships.

Talking about the things that you're scared of because I, I, yeah, yeah. Everything you said, that's why, 

[00:29:35] Ellecia: and I, I, I feel like a lot of people are scared to bring up what they're scared of or what they're worried about, because that means kind of our, our monogamous culture makes that out to mean that your partner has to fix it or change something.

But it doesn't mean that, it doesn't mean I'm scared of this, so don't do anything that will make that happen. That's not what it, it is. It's [00:30:00] just let's talk about the thing to have awareness, to get maybe reassurance to get on the same page rather than, I'm scared that you'll talk to someone that's attractive and all feel jealous, so don't talk to anybody that's attractive.

[00:30:21] Danny: Right. 

[00:30:22] Ellecia: I don't th th That's not what you're doing. That's not what you wanna do. You wanna say, I'm scared that you're gonna talk to someone who's super attractive and really funny and like, that you really enjoy and that you'll completely forget I exist. 

[00:30:34] Danny: Ugh. Yeah. I got that fear. 

[00:30:37] Ellecia: And also talk to all the funny, attractive people.

I want that for you. Like, that's awesome. Have great conversation. Make out with beautiful people. I want that for you, but like, don't forget about me. Please. 

[00:30:48] Danny: Absolutely. I I think about that a lot. Like there's, there's a huge difference between, uh, what you're feeling and what you actually do, and you get a say in that, which is kind of exciting.

Mm-hmm. You 

[00:30:57] Danny: get to decide like, am I gonna lean into this [00:31:00] strange feeling I'm having or am I gonna try to logic my way through it? Like how many times I think about like you and my wife and I just wanna lock you guys in the tower and that way no one can see you except for me. And, uh, you know, I'll bring you guys food and whatnot and supply you with entertainment.

That sounds great. For like 

[00:31:14] Ellecia: a week. 

[00:31:14] Danny: Yeah, it's Sure. Vacation's fine. Have so 

[00:31:16] Ellecia: much fun. 

[00:31:17] Danny: A big, it'd be a nice vacation. But then I back up and I'm like, but would that be me, a good partner? Like how happy would they actually be if they were locked? Would they still lucky? Yeah. Would they even want me anymore?

Uh, and you know, the whole, that whole fantasy falls apart really quick. I'm like, okay, well obviously I can't listen to that feeling. Also, where can I find a tower? It's just, yeah. There, there's so much to it. If you had a 

[00:31:37] Ellecia: tower, that'd be cool. 

[00:31:38] Danny: I know, I see. That's my fear, is you're gonna find someone who has one and then 

[00:31:42] Ellecia: Oh, fair, fair.

That then locks me in it. 

[00:31:45] Danny: Uh, they don't 

[00:31:47] Ellecia: want that. 

[00:31:47] Danny: No. No. Who, what? 

[00:31:49] Ellecia: Yeah. See? Yeah. No, but they don't, the fear falls apart. 

[00:31:52] Danny: They just have Exactly. Uh, but yeah, like there, yeah. I have, I have, I have so many fears and so many anxieties that I just don't listen [00:32:00] to. And the less you listen to 'em, the easier it gets to.

I know I've said this on the podcast before, but I really do, I love the concept of rupture and repair. Uhhuh, like the, like it's okay to fall apart, like you're gonna do that. I don't know anyone who is just purely secure in everything, everything about their life, right? 

[00:32:18] Ellecia: You don't 

[00:32:19] Danny: No, I, no, I, I, I truly don't.

But I do know people who can, who feel their insecurities, feel their anxieties, their fears, what have you, but anger, whatever it is, they can feel that stuff and then kind of quickly put themselves back together. Like the rupture is them going like, oh my God, I'm freaking out. I know people who in a matter of seconds can just pick it back up, put themselves back together and repair themselves.

Like, okay, that was a feeling I just had, but I can move forward from that. Fine. I guess I'm saying it's okay to have these feelings and these fears and these insane, I don't wanna say desires, like these insane fantasy's, like locking your partner in the tower. That's, you can have that never act on it.

[00:32:58] Ellecia: Never act on it. 

[00:32:59] Danny: No. 

[00:32:59] Ellecia: [00:33:00] Um. There are a lot of people, I would say most of us are not as good at that, like picking ourselves back up. Mm-hmm. And repairing, because it takes practice. Mm-hmm. It is a learned skill. It's a practiced skill. Absolutely. And so if you haven't had practice at it, it feels really hard.

But every rupture is an opportunity to learn how to repair faster, both in your relationship and internally. 

[00:33:27] Danny: Yeah. Thank you for catching that. 

[00:33:29] Ellecia: You're welcome, 

[00:33:29] Danny: welcome. Yeah. 'cause the people who I, who I know who can do it really fast 

[00:33:32] Ellecia: practiced 

[00:33:33] Danny: were people who practiced at it. 

[00:33:34] Ellecia: Oh, 

[00:33:35] Danny: and my gut so much. It might take you days or decades, your your first, your first time or decades or however much time you need.

But once you learn how to do it, it gets easier and easier the more you do it. 

[00:33:45] Ellecia: This is like confidence building actually. 

[00:33:48] Danny: Go on. 

[00:33:49] Ellecia: So part of that ability to like be in an activated state, have big feelings. Fear, insecurity, jealousy. Uh, fomo. Fear of [00:34:00] abandonment. Right? Like, like I just feel terrified. An anxiety, social anxiety, all of it.

Right? Um, how did I start that sentence? 

[00:34:11] Danny: Confidence building. 

[00:34:12] Ellecia: Confidence building. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Of course. Um, no. 

[00:34:17] Danny: No. Okay. No. You gotta think, 

[00:34:18] Ellecia: lemme think. Hold on. Okay.

[00:34:26] Danny: Was he disgusted or was he coming? 

[00:34:29] Ellecia: Oh, that's our new game. 

[00:34:31] Danny: Disgust or come? 

[00:34:33] Ellecia: That's gotta be a segment. Oh. Oh. When we're done with this, we're gonna, um, pull a non-monogamy card, game card. 

Ooh. 

[00:34:42] Ellecia: And do that. I love it. For our Patreon subscribers@patreon.com slash not monogamous.

[00:34:52] Danny: Now I have to leave all this in. 

[00:34:54] Ellecia: No, just that part. 

[00:34:54] Danny: Oh, okay. 

[00:34:56] Ellecia: When you're experiencing a lot of activation, a lot of emotional activation, [00:35:00] and it feels really hard, or you're like anxious, you're anxious about going to an event. Right. What I'm, why I'm saying it's similar to confidence is we aren't, we don't just inherently exist as confident humans.

Like confidence happens through experience, it happens through repetition. It happens through faking it till you make it. Like confidence is a skill that you build. It's a practice behaving confidently as a practice, just like learning how to move over the bumps of feeling fomo, jealousy, insecurity, socially anxious, and I don't mean anxiety as a like mental health concern.

I mean just standard everyday anxiety. Okay. I don't wanna dismiss issues that people are having. But sure it takes, and Ian, even then, people who have anxiety as a mental health thing, um, have to learn [00:36:00] skills to overcome that enough to do the things that they wanna do in life. So, so actually, yes, confidence.

It takes practice learning how to like. Repair a rupture. If I am like super anxious or super jealous or really insecure and I'm like, oh my God, this is insane. I hate this situation. I fucking wanna leave over here having a really good time. And you don't wanna leave? 

[00:36:25] Danny: Oh no. 

[00:36:26] Ellecia: Let me find an anchor point.

Let me find like settle. This is a skill, this is a practice I've learned to like ground myself, to settle, to find an anchor point, to find the next thing that I'm going to do. So. I can get to the other side and feel more confident, feel less anxious, feel less fear of abandonment, feel less rejection, feel confident in myself, comfortable in myself, like I can move through this situation.

It's a skill that I've practiced over time through experiences of having lots of [00:37:00] these like really hard moments and not wanting that to define my relationships, not wanting that to define me, not wanting that to define. The party I went to. Like I don't wanna go home and be like, that was a really shitty party and I hated everything about it.

That sucks. I wanna be able to go home and be, Ooh. I had some speed bumps, I had some like rough moments and I came through it and have like also some, like I met some cool people. I had a couple of cool orgasms. If that was the kind of party you were at, often it's the kind of party I'm at. Um, I. I had this, I feel confident because I got, I had that experience and got through it and came to the other side where I'm able to say like, there were things about this to celebrate.

And every time I've done that, I've become more and more confident, more and more, when I say confident, like confident in my ability to get through that. Because every time I'm getting ready to go to a social event. A [00:38:00] party a date. I get anxious as fuck. I get so nervous. So nervous, like I get the nervous shits.

Guys, I'm gonna be so vulnerable with you. I keep Pepto Bismol in my car because my stomach, when I say my stomach drops, meaning like it drops, like I get soner. I'm a, this is such a vulnerable thing I'm sharing with you. If I'm going on a date, I drink Pepto Bismol like it's a fucking cocktail. 

[00:38:23] Danny: You have so much in common.

[00:38:29] Ellecia: I drink the Pepto and I go and do the thing and at the, on the other side of it, I'm like, fuck, that was amazing. And I'm so glad I didn't decide to cancel everything and stay home because I would've stayed home and been like, man, and now I have like real fomo 'cause I'm just sitting at home. There's a chance that I really would've enjoyed what I did at home, but I've built up confidence.

And when I, when I say I've built up confidence, I still experience a lot of anxiety about going to social events with one partner, with two partners, with three [00:39:00] partners, like with no partners. It doesn't matter. I still experience it, but I, I use the tools and skills that I've learned. It's really where I'm getting at, 

[00:39:10] Danny: and you're so good at using those skills.

[00:39:12] Ellecia: Thank you. 

[00:39:13] Danny: Uh. Oh my. Back on talking about talking things out, like bringing up your securities, your anxieties, all that with your partner. Uh, it pays because sometimes your partner is really good at this and because odds are one of you probably handles things better than the other one. And that's not, it's not 'cause one's better, it's just one person just had, you guys have different experience.

Yeah. So usually they're, you're not gonna be perfectly equal. It's great. Reach out. Even, especially if you're scared, if you're like, I don't wanna seem insecure. Bring it up for all you know, you're gonna get hit with a a ton of wisdom. I appreciate you. 

[00:39:49] Ellecia: I appreciate you. Thank you. Okay. We are getting ready.

Well, we're not getting ready right now. We are. 

[00:39:58] Danny: We're doing this, 

[00:39:58] Ellecia: we're going to [00:40:00] a weekend long swinger event with my nesting partner and one of his other partners. The four of us are gonna be sharing a room and flights and a car and like going to a swinger event where the whole goal is goal, purpose.

Sure. I wouldn't say goal because I actually rarely have sex at swinger events these days. 

[00:40:24] Danny: I get that 

[00:40:25] Ellecia: because they're kind of old hat now for me and I just like going to socializing. Some of you may like relate to that, some not, but we're. We had a practice run. We had, like, we went to another event, but we, we were sharing a cabin with multiple people, but like, this is like traveling together with not everyone as partners.

Right. And so that doesn't bring up, it does, it brings up different dynamics. I'm actually not nervous about it at all. 

[00:40:53] Danny: Uh, yeah, I'm not either, but I, I know you guys all pretty well. Like, I think every, I think all of us get along really well. And like I said, we did, we did a practice run already, [00:41:00] kind of.

[00:41:00] Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. We all get along well. Yeah. But the thing, the reason I'm bringing this up. The, it's a swinger event. We'll be meeting lots of couples who are, you know, if you're a swinger, if you're in a a, a dyad, two people who go to swinger events, um, one poly, multiple poly people at those events are not as common as folks who have, like, traditionally been monogamous and then have opened up a bit and, you know, maybe have sexy times with other people.

Um, is so what I am. Anxious about, or a little bit nervous about is how, so from my experience, often at these events, this is actually, um, an SOP event, swinger, open Poly. We're going to, um, the Spring, spring life lifestyle. Spring, SOT Lifestyle. Spring Lifestyle, lifestyle Takeover. Yeah. Um, in Banff in Canada.

And a couple of the [00:42:00] things that people do there, there's so many fun events and I, I get to talk, I get to speak at it, and I'm a, I'm a a event. What do I do? I teach Yeah, you're a teacher. I, uh, I'm a speaker, which seems weird. A speaker, I'm a speaker at it. Um, but what some of the events that happen is like, uh, speed dating is one, like swinger speed dating.

So you have people going around and often it's couples going around meeting other couples. So some of the questions are things like, how long have you guys been in the lifestyle? How, uh, you know, where are you from? Right? But, but also like, what are your rules? What are your agreements? Right? A lot of people will be like, oh, like we, because we're usually, it's like the nesting partners, like, like mono monogamous, like emotionally monogamous, sexually open people.

Um, so it's like people will come with their. Oh, we play together, um, with [00:43:00] couples or we play in the same room, but separately is fine. Or we only play in up different rooms. We go go about our own way. And so what I think is really interesting or what I'm feeling like, oh, this'll be fun to navigate or maybe weird to navigate, is doing things like that, meeting couples being like, yeah, I'm here with my husband and my boyfriend and my husband's girlfriend, like.

People asking like, oh, so how do you guys play? And the assumption is gonna be that all four of us play together, but we actually don't. 

[00:43:34] Danny: That's true. 

[00:43:34] Ellecia: So there, so I won't say I'm anxious about it, but I just, I'm anticipating standing out, being the oddballs at an event being, um, like not fitting in the way human beings like to fit in.

Yeah, I'm not actually worried about like, feeling jealous [00:44:00] over you or Rob. Oh, 

[00:44:03] Danny: ooh. New feeling 

[00:44:04] Ellecia: as I said that. Yeah, as I said that, I was like, unless, oh, we're at a swinger event. Like you might go off and hook up with someone, which is totally fine, do that. Um, but yeah, actually that's fine. 

[00:44:15] Danny: That's totally fine.

I'll, I, yeah. Yes. We'll 

[00:44:19] Ellecia: talk about that when we get there. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

[00:44:23] Danny: Or, you know, or we can talk about it at a time or beforehand. 

[00:44:25] Ellecia: Mm-hmm. 

[00:44:27] Danny: Uh, yeah. 'cause you can have that feeling and then not act on it. 

[00:44:31] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:44:32] Danny: And process it or, you know, take care of it. 

[00:44:35] Ellecia: I'm just trying to bring up like different events, social events that people get nervous about.

[00:44:41] Danny: Yeah. And I think that, uh, like this, I won't let this event, like, that aspect of it does have me like, not anxious, but I'm sure I will be eventually, like I'll, I will, I will totally have jealous feelings at some point. Yeah, you're out of your tower again. 

[00:44:56] Ellecia: Call me Rapunzel. 

[00:44:58] Danny: Uh, yeah, maybe it's not that long, but [00:45:00] I also have confidence that I'll handle it just fine.

[00:45:02] Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:45:03] Danny: Because we talked about 

[00:45:05] Ellecia: point being, practice your skills and you know, I have to say for a lot of people, myself included in the past, not so much anymore. Those things, it feels like. When I am in a social situation with a partner, especially if I'm feeling jealous, but if I'm feeling left out, if I'm feeling abandoned, if I'm feeling like, oh my God, everyone likes you more than me, it feels like a crisis in the moment.

It feels like relationship ending, world ending. 

[00:45:36] Danny: Same, 

[00:45:36] Ellecia: and I have to remind myself, it's literally not like in a couple hours we'll be going home and to or may or maybe tomorrow, right? Like, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow. We're gonna be fine. We have had experiences, we've had enough experiences of feeling like it's a crisis and then coming through that, and so I think it's important to remind yourself it's confidence building again, [00:46:00] it's important to remind yourself like, it feels like a crisis right now, because that's what your brain wants it to be.

[00:46:06] Danny: It's that life, death. It's not logical. It's like, are are we? We're dying right now. We're D we're, this is, your brain is telling this to lead 

[00:46:11] Ellecia: to death. Yeah. This is. Your, your stupid part of your brain that only wants survival is like, this means you're being kicked out of the tribe. You're gonna wander the desert and die.

If you feel a little bit of abandonment, a little bit of rejection, a little bit of whatever, fomo, right? Like your brain goes, this is going to lead to death. Do something about it. And you have to kind of reel that back and go, this isn't gonna lead to death. This probably isn't even gonna lead to a fight.

Like, oh man. 

[00:46:44] Danny: What about, I think that like, I'm not sure if like aftercare is like a, uh, the right thing for it. Yes. But reconnecting after, like, having something you do afterward and you can talk about it before and it's like, Hey, we're gonna do this after that. Can we go grab like brunch the next day, take a bath together, [00:47:00] cuddle, do whatever.

Yeah, whatever, whatever your thing is. Yeah, 

[00:47:03] Ellecia: yeah. Share. Oh, share what the highlights? Yeah. And like the hard things and the highlights. I think anytime you're, you're wanting to share like a hard situation, like, Ooh, that was hard for me. Make sure you also share what was good. Yeah. Not only for yourself, like, like to, to remind your brain like it's not all bad, but also for your partner, like to share with them that even though I'm sharing these things that were hard for me, there were good parts.

It's so reassuring. It's so settling. It's so important for our like, nervous system. 

Yeah. To 

[00:47:41] Ellecia: find, like have gratitude, to find the good things. To celebrate the good things. Yeah. I think that's a big, we do that a lot. Yeah. I think that's a big part of it is like reconnecting and going and talking about, like recapping.

Yes. This was good. This was hard. This was great. This was weird. This I, [00:48:00] yeah, 

[00:48:00] Danny: just make all that conversation normal, like all of it. 

[00:48:03] Ellecia: Cuddle, hug, 

[00:48:05] Danny: eat good food. 

[00:48:07] Ellecia: Good food 

[00:48:08] Danny: together. 

[00:48:08] Ellecia: Yeah, 

[00:48:08] Danny: yeah, 

[00:48:09] Ellecia: yeah. That, yeah, it really, it tells the nervous system. I'm a part of the tribe, I'm not gonna die. 

[00:48:13] Danny: Yeah. 

[00:48:14] Ellecia: Actually, like it really is a thing that will settle you.

Yeah. Touch. 

[00:48:18] Danny: Yep. 

[00:48:18] Ellecia: Yeah.

Uh, is there anything else to add to that? 

[00:48:27] Danny: I, I'm sure there is, but you know, we've got a lot of episodes to go yet. 

[00:48:31] Ellecia: Yeah. That's what I got for. 

[00:48:32] Danny: We might come back to this. 

[00:48:34] Ellecia: Yeah. Feeling anxious about social events in non-monogamy social events with partners, metamours potentials, dates, like it's so freaking normal.

It's so normal. We all feel it. And there's so many tools and resources you can use. 

[00:48:55] Danny: You wanna do our Patreon segment? 

[00:48:58] Ellecia: Yeah. 

[00:48:58] Danny: Is it just the tip? If we're gonna do a [00:49:00] card? 

[00:49:01] Ellecia: I mean, it's still just the tip. Okay. Tip doesn't have to be a sex tip. 

[00:49:05] Danny: I love it. Oh my God, you're so smart. 

[00:49:07] Ellecia: Yeah. So, uh, if you are not a supporter on Patreon, patreon.com/not monogamous, you should go check it out.

You can get lots of bonuses, like just the tip, get the episodes early. Come chat with me if you want. Yeah.

Let's do it. Oh, excuse me. So 

[00:49:38] Danny: I feel like I haven't been to chat as chatty as I have, as I normally. You're lovely. 

[00:49:41] Ellecia: Yeah. Perfect. 

[00:49:42] Danny: Okay, good. Which one's this? 

[00:49:45] Ellecia: So this is the non-monogamy card game non, I love this box. Uh, the creators were on the podcast mm-hmm. A few months ago. And, um, if you, I, I we're gonna pull a [00:50:00] card.

Oh gosh. It came with all these cute. Stickers and stuff. I love this. It's so freaking cute. Foundations are deep dive, so it has, it comes with two decks. One is the foundations deck, one is the deep dive deck. Um, foundations are like non-monogamous foundations. The deep dive is where you go a little bit deeper.

If you want the, I really love this. It's great for conversations. Um, I actually, you get a 10% discount with the coupon code, no, 10 at the non-monogamy card game. I think the, the non-monogamy card game.com. Use the coupon code, no, 10 NOPE 10, uh, and you'll get 10% off. I actually really love this. Um, so do you wanna do foundations or deep dive?

[00:50:45] Danny: Uh, what? Uh, deep dive. That when you're holding, right? 

[00:50:49] Ellecia: Nope, that's foundations. Is it 

[00:50:50] Danny: really? Oh, like, oh, okay. I like it. 

[00:50:54] Ellecia: Yeah. Deep dive. Let's go, I think. Alright. Alright. Deep dive. [00:51:00] I'll have you pick a card and then I'll tell you if I wanna answer it or not. 

[00:51:05] Danny: Oh, I get to ask you. Uh, alright. What is something within your current relationships that helps you feel safe?

Exploring connections with new partners. 

[00:51:17] Ellecia: Oh my god, that's such a good question. That's 

[00:51:20] Danny: a great question. 

[00:51:20] Ellecia: Holy shit, that's good.

So that's the non-monogamy card game. I'm really loving it and I wanna do more of these 'cause it's really good. 

[00:51:40] Danny: Uh, let's do more, let's end this recording. We'll go do more. 

[00:51:42] Ellecia: Yeah, let's [00:52:00] do.