5 Simple Tools for Profound Intimacy in Non-Monogamy, Ep. 104

Struggling to feel deeply connected in your non-monogamous relationships? Whether you're navigating polyamory, open relationships, or casual connections, meaningful intimacy doesn’t have to take hours of deep conversations or elaborate date nights. In fact, it can start with just five minutes a day.

In this episode, I’m sharing five powerful yet simple practices from my Beyond Monogamy 4CNM Method that can help you build stronger, more intimate connections — no matter how complex your relationship landscape may be.

✨ Mindful Presence — Give your undivided attention for deeper connection.
✨ Mirrored Breathing — Sync your nervous systems to feel calm and close.
✨ Intentional Touch — Use non-sexual touch to foster warmth and trust.
✨ 5-Minute Check-Ins — Prevent disconnection with short, meaningful chats.
✨ Micro-Appreciations — Boost relationship resilience through daily gratitude.

Tune in now and discover how just 15 minutes a week can lead to 13 extra hours of intentional connection every year.

Want deeper insights? Visit www.elleciapaine.com to explore my Beyond Monogamy program.

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Transcript

What if you could deepen your connections in just five minutes a day now with like big grand gestures or endless processing conversations? Just simple, practical moments that actually fit into your real life. Today I wanna share with you a little bit, uh, from the connection pillar of my Beyond Monogamy, for CNM method, uh, that I use with my clients. And. Share how little tiny practices create the intimacy that we're literally all craving. Hey, I'm Ellecia Ellecia Paine, your relationship coach and welcome back to Nope, we’re not monogamous. So connection, this is a thing we all want, right? Like we wanna be, feel connected to our partners, feel connected to other people in our life. And yet for some reason, it's the first thing that gets shuffled to the bottom in our like life chaos. I see this pattern all the time in my coaching [00:01:00] practice with my clients. They come to me and they're feeling really disconnected from their partners that they genuinely love, and they're like. Ships passing in the night, right? Like we're sharing space, but we're not sharing presence. And the interesting thing about that is when I ask people how much dedicated connection time they're actually creating, a lot of times they look at me kind of blankly. Like, we live together, we're, we're together all the time. We're around each other constantly. But what I wanna remind you is that proximity isn't connection, right?

Like being in the same room while you're scrolling on separate phones isn't connecting hell. Even having sex regularly isn't necessarily connecting, right? It's not necessarily a deep connection if that's on autopilot. And our society tends to tell us that like real connection requires big grand gestures, or expensive dates, or hours, [00:02:00] long heart to hearts. Uh, but I'm gonna call some BS on that. Okay. Today I am gonna give you five simple practices, simple connection practices, from my four CNM method. And each of these practices only takes five minutes, but they can.

Really radically transform your relationships. And yeah, these work, whether you have one partner or five partners, like, like the principles of human connection remain the same regardless of who you're connecting with. 

 uh, is that what I wanna say?  

Okay. Before we dive in, let's talk about something that a lot of relationship experts, uh, usually ignore. It's that connection matters across your entire relationship landscape. It's not just with a primary partners or [00:03:00] with anchored partners. It's not just in relationships that are on the trajectory to forever.

Uh, it's not even just in romantic connections, in established relationships, connection practices can prevent that awful like drift. That happens when new relationship energy pulls your attention elsewhere. Do you know that feeling right when you're so captivated by someone new that your established partner gets the tired, distracted leftovers of you?

Or maybe you've been on the other side of that getting the tired, distracted leftovers of your partner? Um, we can do a lot better than that. Okay. I promise. In new relationships, intentional connection creates a level of depth that goes beyond the like dopamine high that you get, and it builds something that can actually survive, that will actually continue on when the butterflies naturally calm down because they will, I [00:04:00] promise. Um, and here's. Here's a little nugget.

Connection matters in the short term relationships as well. And I mean like a couple of dates or maybe it's a couple of hours, right? Every relationship needs and thrives on connection and hopefully, you know, ha has a good level of that. Um, our society loves to dismiss these connections as like just casual or not serious.

Or, you know, dead end. but human connection's always significant, even if it's not wrapped up in forever. Promises, whether it's a casual partner, you see occasionally a comet partner who's, who's long distance. maybe it's a relationship with a divine defined timeline or a defined end intentional presence creates.

Meaning and respect and value out of like the, this precious [00:05:00] resource that we're giving each other of our time spent. And the the beauty of these practices is that they don't require years of history to be powerful, to be effective. They really just create human to human presence, which is valuable in every relationship context. So here's what we're gonna cover today. First, we're gonna talk about mindful presence and why it matters more than time quantity. Okay. Second, I'm gonna teach you a mirrored breathing practice that synchronizes your nerve sys. Nope. Second, I'll teach you a mirrored breathing practice that synchronizes your nervous systems in just a few moments. 

Third, we'll explore intentional touch as a connection tool beyond sexual context. Touch matters. Outside of that. And fourth, I'm gonna share my framework for five minute check-ins that prevent that, that disconnect. And then finally, we're gonna discuss the practice of, uh, like [00:06:00] micro appreciations and how they can build some resilience into your connection. All right, let's go. So the first practice is so simple. It's easy to dismiss. It's mindful presence. Ellecia, what the heck is mindful presence. So here's what it looks like. Five minutes of completely undivided attention. Phone down, down, not just down, but away. TV off. No multitasking. It just you, your partner and your full presence, and I can hear some of you thinking that's it. That's the big secret. This is, this is what you're gonna give us. All right? But yes, because in today's world, genuine, undivided attention is actually revolutionary, right? Let's get personal [00:07:00] for a minute. Uh, one of my partners and I went through a weird phase where we felt weirdly disconnected despite spending tons of time together, like emotional roommates rather than lovers. And when we really looked at our patterns, we realized we'd fallen into what I would call parallel living.

We were physically together, but mentally elsewhere.

And so we started this five minute presence practice. Each evening we'd set a timer and just be together. Sometimes we were talking, sometimes we weren't. The only rule here was full presence, and the first few times it felt really awkward, even a little uncomfortable. Um, and you know, we tend to get so used to the. Buffer of devices or activities or kids or chores or responsibilities or work, uh, or our [00:08:00] hobbies, right?

Like, like there's so many things that distract us that just being together with nothing going on can feel really weird, but also really intimate. So by the end of the first week, something started to shift, right? That feeling of connection was returning. And this practice is particularly powerful if you're juggling multiple relationships, you know, five minutes of true mindful presence with each partner. Whether it's your nesting partner of a decade or someone you've been seeing for a month, this ensures that nobody gets the distracted half listening kind of tuned out version of you. I mean, think about it, like how often do you give your complete, undivided attention to the people in your life? No agenda, no multitasking, no clock watching, no hurrying. Just like I'm here with you.[00:09:00] 

For most of us, the answer is almost never. And that's exactly why this practice feels so profound when you actually do it. And that's the thing about practices, guys. They take practice. You have to do them. Okay, so here's how you're gonna implement this. You're gonna set a time. You are gonna attach it to something you already do daily, like after dinner or before bed, or with morning coffee. Right? Remove the distractions, put the phones in another room, not just face down. Make eye contact. This activates the bonding centers in your brain.

And begin with just five minutes and, and set a timer because it can feel really long and other times it feels like it wasn't enough time. Right? But set a timer so you can, so you can really, one, you're not thinking. You don't have to worry about how much time has passed. You don't, you aren't preoccupied with that.

Uh, you can be really present and two, then you, you know how much time has passed, you know, and it's a lot better [00:10:00] to succeed at five minutes than to fail at like 30 minutes. Right. 

All right, the second practice, the second practice works directly with your nervous system, and this is a mirrored breathing practice. And I find this one really fascinating because it's based on solid neuroscience, but it feels almost magical. Right. I love things that like, we know work, but it feels really woo woo and like you're just hacking your brain. When two people sync up their breathing, their nervous system starts to, uh, it starts to train to each other. It starts to, they, their nervous system starts to sync up. Your heart rates align your brainwaves, synchronize your energy's in alignment. It creates this physiological connection that translates into emotional closeness.

So here's how it works. You are gonna sit facing your [00:11:00] partner, either touching or not. Whatever feels comfortable for you, and you're gonna make soft eye contact. So, so this isn't a staring contest. You don't have to worry about keeping your eyes open. You can blink. This is just a gentle connection, right?

You're just gonna start noticing your partner's breathing rhythm, the pace that they're breathing in and out. And, and don't try to control your breath yet. Just observe. Just notice. Just notice each other. and after a few moments, you're just gonna start aligning your breath with theirs. You're gonna inhale. When they inhale, you're going to exhale. When they exhale. And there's no right or wrong pattern. You're simply matching their natural rhythm. Now, the thing I would give you here is match. Match the breathing of the person with the smallest lungs or the smallest rib cage.

Okay? Because a person with a very large rib cage and large lung capacity takes longer, deeper breaths than someone who has a smaller set of lungs, may not be able to match that. So go with the smaller s, smaller rib cage person match up to that one. That that's my tip for you. There [00:12:00] you are gonna continue this for five minutes.

Again, you can set a timer, but what happens next is the remarkable part. Without discussing it, you'll likely find that your breathing actually just naturally synchronizes. One person might slow down the other might speed up slightly until you start to find this shared rhythm. And I teach this especially to my clients who struggle with emotional regulation or who find verbal processing a challenge. It creates a sense of connection without words, without having to talk it out. And it can be really, really powerful during conflict or in a, um, when there's been distance or you're just feeling really disconnected in the non-monogamous context specifically. I recommend making this practice unique for each relationship that you're in, right?

With one partner, you might find slow, deep breathing feels really, really right, and with another, a quicker rhythm might show [00:13:00] up. There's no hierarchy to this, right? This is just honoring the distinct nature of each connection. One of my clients, um, Jamie used this technique with their long distance partner over a video chat. Um, they were feeling really disconnected. The communication felt strained. It felt like, I don't really know what's going on here. And so they spent five minutes just breathing together before digging into a difficult conversation.

And the result of that. Was that this conversation that would've been like tense or defensive, became curious and open. They felt like they were connected despite having this thing going on that that was un, that was uncomfortable. This is also really a good practice for reconnecting after you've had some time apart, whether that's like after a workday or after seeing other partners it, or you know, a vacation or something, right? It brings you back into a shared space really quickly and effectively. [00:14:00] So the third practice focuses on something so fundamental that we often kind of overlook it and it's intentional touch. We are wired for touch. Human beings need touch. We need. People, it releases oxytocin, the, you know, the cuddle hormone, the love hormone. It, it reduces stress hormones, it creates bonding.

And yet a lot of relationships fall into touch patterns. That,

All right. A lot of relationships fall into touch patterns that are either purely functional. So like, you know, the quick goodbye kiss or the, the hug, the, the obligatory hug, uh, purely sexual, like touches only foreplay. Um, I hear a lot of people say, every time my partner touches me, it's because I know that they want sex rather than just because they wanna touch me.

Uh, or it's just non-existent at all. You're just in [00:15:00] a touch desert. You're touch starved, intentional touch as a connection practice. Means touching with full awareness, with full awareness of the purpose, this purpose of connection, and it's not a means to an end. So here's a simple five minute practice for intentional touch. 

What I'll invite you to do is sit comfortably with your partner. One person offers their hand or their arm, or their shoulder, their foot, their leg, whatever. Whatever feels comfortable, and the other person touches this area with complete presence. So you're like noticing the texture, you're, you're noticing the temperature, the sensations, and you wanna keep this touch actually non-sexual.

This isn't about arousal, but this is about connection. You wanna focus entirely on the sensation of touching and being touched. You wanna put the part of your brain that's listening to me talk, have that go down into your hand and just [00:16:00] really check in, like what is the sensation? What do I feel on my fingertips? What is my hand doing? What does it feel like?

Right? And then after a few minutes, you're gonna switch roles. You can even set a timer for this one. Okay. What makes this powerful is how intentional it is. You're not touching while you're talking about grocery lists or as a prelude to sex. You're touching for the sake of connection itself. You're touching for the sake of connection itself. And when you're practicing this with multiple relationships, you'll probably notice that each connection has its own touch language.

One partner might respond deeply to gentle fingertip, touch light, uh, light tickles or, or light strokes, and maybe another partner really connects through firm grounding contact. And these [00:17:00] differences aren't, they don't make one relationship better and, and another relationship worse. They aren't. For about better or worse, these are really beautiful expressions of the unique connection that you share with each person. I, I've, I've seen this practice transform relationships where physical intimacy has become either routine or loaded. It creates this bridge back to sensation and presence. It creates deep connection. It reminds you that your partner's body isn't just familiar territory.

It is still a really miraculous. Place to be. It's still a really beautiful thing to behold, to be present with, to be a part of, to be invited into. Uh, and when you really pay attention to it, you get to find all of the subtle [00:18:00] yumminess. Okay. The fourth practice, this is a as. Simple but profound communication framework. I feel like a lot of things I say, I'm like, you know, this is simple but not easy, right? So this is a five minute check-in. A lot of us default to one of two extremes in relationships. Either we are having surface level check-ins about life logistics, right?

Like, did you pay the water bill? Or, or you're having hours long, deep dives when the problems come up, which makes us not kind of like avoid having those conversations if it's always either surface or we're spending hours processing together. So this five minute check-in helps create this middle ground.[00:19:00] 

You have regular meaningful connection. It prevents disconnection and it, it really teaches your nervous system. Like, oh, okay, it's safe. It's safe to share what's going on. For me, it's safe to hear what's happening for my partner. So here's the framework that I teach to my clients. First, you're gonna share a high and a low from your day. Not just the events, but how you felt about them. Okay. So I might say, um, for me today, it's been a wild one. Um,

the HI is actually recording this podcast. I feel really blessed. I feel really grateful that I get to share this with people that I get to help people. Have better connections, have better relationships, have better sex, right? Like I feel really grateful for that. Um, and I appreciate you so much. My low today was finding out that I need a new [00:20:00] car because the motor blew on my car.

And that's a little bit stressful actually. I feel very stressed by that. So those are my highs and lows today. So, uh, second, you're gonna name something that you are looking forward to. Like I am looking forward to getting a new car. I'm really excited about that.

Third, you wanna express a need or a desire, something small that your partner can, um, can help you with or provide for you.

So a thing that I'm, I'm asking my partners for is to help me figure out, um, what to do with my old car. Still sitting at the mechanic, uh, you know, we have to car shop. There's a whole bunch of pieces to that. So I'm asking my partners to help me with that. So it's so I'm not taking it all on myself 'cause it is really stressful.[00:21:00] 

Um, this whole exchange takes about five minutes If you're focused right? Here's my high, my low, here's how I felt. Here's something I'm looking forward to. Here's something I need or I want. Right? Maybe a, gosh, I'd really love a foot rub. And then the last piece, the last piece that's so important is sharing.

A gratitude about your partner, something you are thankful for about your partner, or something that you love about your partner or something that feels good about your relationship, right? You gotta sandwich those good things I.  

And if you are balancing multiple relationships, this practice becomes even more essential. It prevents the like out of sight, out of mind pattern that can damage connections. It helps partners who have different levels of like. Of being intertwined in your life, right? Whether they are very intertwined or not at all, it helps, helps you feel like you are a part [00:22:00] of their life and they are a part of your life.

Um, it helps to, to create like an even, even playing field, even with partners that you see less frequently, like maintaining regular check-ins, whether it's in person, on the phone, over a video chat, um, thoughtful text exchanges. This helps you maintain. And this helps you maintain continuity between your times together.

The, the key, the magic here, the thing that makes this effective is regularity. Consistency. Daily is ideal, but consistent is more important than frequent, right? Like regularly checking in. How are you doing? How am I doing? How are we doing? You create this ongoing awareness of each other's emotional landscape of what's happening in each other's lives. This prevents the feeling of like, I have no idea what's going on with you. [00:23:00] 'cause that leads to disconnection for some people. Uh, especially I find like polyamorous, non-monogamous folks, for some people.

There is this, I don't, this feeling of like, I don't wanna be nosy. I don't wanna ask a bunch of questions. Maybe it's none of my business or the feeling of, I don't want to share too much. Like, what if that makes my partner uncomfortable? Or what if they don't like what they hear, or I don't wanna feel like I'm bragging or right.

Like there's a lot of second guessing ourselves on both sides of that. So by having a regular check-in. You don't have to second guess, and you don't have to go, well, is it, is it appropriate to ask this question or ask what's going on with them? Maybe, maybe it's none of my business, right? Like, you've agreed, like we're, we're gonna check in in this way.

Um, one of my clients adapted this across her relationships by doing check-ins via, [00:24:00] um, voice memo. Right. Like when, when, um, in person wasn't possible or like lining up their time schedules wasn't possible, they could do it a asynchronously, asynchronously, ay, I don't remember how you say that word right now.  

They can do it at different times. And what happened for this client is they, they told me that they felt like it was the first time that they were really present in all of their relationships. Not just the one that was right in front of them and most available. Being able to consistently check in in these like little ways prevented the drift that she had had happened in all of her previous relationships. And again, like five minutes, right? Five minutes could save you. So much disconnect and misunderstanding. All right, the final practice, this is probably the simplest, yet most [00:25:00] transformative, and its micro appreciations. Here's how you do it. At least once a day. You wanna express a specific appreciation or something about your partner, something they did. The key here is speci. The key here is specificity, not like Thanks for being awesome. But I appreciated how you listened without interrupting me when I was processing my feelings about work today, right?

A specific appreciation. Appreciation creates a a few different powerful effects in your relationships.

It trains your attention towards the positive. So this counteracts our brain's natural, uh, negativity bias. You know, the one I'm talking about, it creates the feeling of acknowledgement, [00:26:00] which is one of our core human needs in relationships. We need to feel acknowledged, we need to feel heard and valued, and it creates, um, connection, resilience.

So this is like a, a, a bowl of goodwill, right? A, a reservoir of goodwill or like. Uh, filling up the love cup, right? This helps relationships, weather challenges. When you, you fill up, fill up that, that bowl or that reservoir, when, when it's full, you can, your relationship can take a lot more shakiness, right?

It can, it you can lose more because there's plenty in there. Um, so, so connection, resilience, really, really important. And when you're practicing this, like with different partners across your whole relationship network, notice the different qualities that you appreciate out [00:27:00] of each connection, because they're all gonna be unique. I maybe you value one partner's, um, intellectual stimulation and another's emotional intuition.

And maybe you have another partner with like really playful energy that you love.

When you're able to express specific appreciation for these unique parts of these relationships and of these people,

it actually validates how the relationship. It actually validates the, the, the value of that relationship without like comparison or ranking. Right? Because this is, this is one of the hard things in, especially in polyamory, right, is how do I ensure that all of my partners feel as special as I believe that they are and [00:28:00] us humans are real good at.

Not feeling good about ourselves and comparing ourselves to other people and like we just really kind of tend to come from our own, um, insecurities. And so when you can find all of these unique values of your relationships and the way that you connect it, it gets rid of that. I had a client, we'll call him Morgan. Um, he struggled with like chronic dissatisfaction in his relationships. Okay. Like he just was just, uh, not happy. Like, and he just kept getting more relationships, hoping that one of them would be the happy one. Um, so we actually implemented this, this daily appreciation practice.

And initially he found it really hard to identify things to appreciate and to notice them in himself, right? Like not just like he liked his partners, but he couldn't fit himself into it in a way that [00:29:00] felt satisfying for him. So this helped him retrain his perspective or his perception, the way he saw himself in his relationships, and actually within a few weeks.

He was noticing dozens of appreciation worthy moments in each of his relationships. Like daily, like all the time. It's kinda like when you get a new car and all of a sudden you see that same type of car like all over the place. Like everybody has that car and you had no idea. Like your brain is, is trained to notice it.

Now, same thing with this, this practicing these micro appreciations, you'll start to notice them more and more and more.

And the five minute aspect of this practice isn't just expressing appreciation, but taking the time to hear or receive your partner's appreciation of you. When your partner expresses [00:30:00] appreciation you, you please resist the urge to deflect. Okay. Resist the urge to minimize it. Just take a breath, let it in, hear what they're saying and say thank you.

That's it. Just say thank you. Don't go, oh, no. Mm, that wasn't me. That's you. Or, uh, I don't know. I, this was no big deal. Right. Thank you. Oftentimes receiving. Is the harder part of this practice than the giving of the appreciation, especially for those of us who've been socialized to downplay compliments, those of us who've been socialized to make ourselves smaller and to not seem vain or are [00:31:00] expectant right.

Take a deep breath, let it in and say thank you.

Creating the ability, like the capacity to receive appreciation is just as important as giving it.

Okay. If you're thinking, great, but how do I make this happen? I got you. Okay. Here's my advice. Start with one practice. Choose the one that resonated [00:32:00] the most strongly with you and master that. Get good at that. Create like a habit or a routine for that, right? You can attach it to an existing habit. Um, this is gonna create a stronger natural trigger for this new connection practice.

Like this is if you had Mm, no.

Here's my advice. Start with one practice. Choose the one that resonated the most with you, and then master that one before you add in any others. You can attach it to an existing habit 'cause this'll create a stronger, uh, like a, like a natural trigger for your new connection practice. Make it visible. Put a reminder on your mirror, on your phone, in your car.

Your coffee maker. Set an alarm.

And then invite your [00:33:00] partners to join you explicitly, right? You can share this episode with them and ask them which practice they'd like to try. You can keep it playful. There's no pressure. This can all be fun. The idea of non spontaneous connection throws people off sometimes, but like. When you start adding in multiple people, it gets a lot harder to be spontaneous.

First of all, you have to be more intentional about time. And so, um, being intentional about the effort as well, about the, the what you're doing to connect with your partners. That says a lot. That alone can be the like deep part. The rest of it can just be fun, have fun with it. It can be silly. There's no pressure.

Okay. These are invitations to connect. They're not obligations. If you're worried [00:34:00] that if you set this up, then your partner is gonna be upset or you're gonna be upset with them. If it doesn't happen, then we have a whole other issue to talk about. That's not this episode. Okay? You can come work with me.

And if you, you know, you got multiple people going on, maybe you need to make a connection, practice inventory. Maybe you'd put a, on the Google, Google keep notes, whatever in your phone. Uh, which practices resonate for which relationship, which practic practices feel the most natural with each partner?

Which connections would benefit from more intentional, uh, intentional presence? You don't have to create identical connection rituals across your relationships.

What you do wanna do is be sure that each relationship is getting nurturing in ways that [00:35:00] honor that relationship. Okay? So the goal here isn't perfection. You just wanna have like moments of genuine connection. Actually, you wanna have more moments of genuine connection than you had before, right? If you manage to do this three times a week, that's 15 extra minutes of quality connection time.

That translates to 13 hours of intentional connection yearly. That's huge. That's significant.

Feeling really connected doesn't have to mean big, expensive dates or hours that you don't have, right? It's these small, consistent moments of presence, mindfulness, ality, whether you're connecting with a partner of 20 years or. Your new relationships that [00:36:00] have lots of possibilities or a casual connection that brings a specific joy to your life.

These five minute practices are going to create some meaning across your entire relationship landscape. So these were the practices we covered. We had mindful presence, mirrored breathing, intentional touch. Five minute check-ins and micro appreciations.

Each one of these takes just five minutes, but it creates ripples that extend far out beyond the time investment. I, okay. I wanna hear from you. Which of these practices resonates the most with you? Or do you have your own five minute connection ritual that works, works really well for you and for your relationships?

Leave a comment on the episode[00:37:00] 

or connect with me on socials. If you found value in this, do me a really quick favor. Hit subscribe so you never miss an episode and take 30 seconds. To connect with me, please, uh, leave a review or a comment, let other people know about, Nope, we're not monogamous. You know, when you leave reviews, it helps people discover these conversations and it helps build our communities of folks who are also doing relationships outside the box.

And if you are really wanting support in transforming your relationships, my, uh, beyond Mo Monogamy Beyond Monogamy program gives you a lot of practical tools for every pillar of relationship success, including connection. You can go to my website, Ellecia payne.com. Now I'm gonna [00:38:00] go record just the tip, the sexy version.

Of this connection pillar for my Patreon subscribers@patreonpatreon.com slash not monogamous. Sometimes that's a mouthful. Uh, I'm about to give them the sexy versions of these connection tips. If you want it, head over to Patreon. You can support us.

Bye.

All right. Hello, lovers and friends with benefits since you're part of this, uh, Patreon Inner Circle. You get the spicier connection practices that I don't share on the main feed. So this is your adults only bonus for supporting the show. Okay. So, um, [00:39:00] here's your five minute erotic connection practice.

There's, um, this is a connection practice that creates like deeper intimacy and hotter sex, and it's not something I'm gonna put on the public episode. So this is desire mapping sexy style. Um, and this transforms relationships. This transforms sex lives. Here's how it works. So you're going to set a timer for exactly five minutes, and with your partner, you're gonna take turns completing this sentence.

I find it erotic when,

okay, so the key here. Be specific and honest without filtering, without worrying about whether your desires are normal or weird. Okay? This isn't about something that you're, this isn't like, you're not asking to do [00:40:00] these things right now. Okay? This isn't a, I want to sit on a hot heater while. Sucking your toe.

I don't know. I just made that up. That's just a thing that I couldn't think of anything else? Uh, it's not a thing I've asked for though.

What we really wanna do here is create a map, like an authentic map of what really turns you on one. So what makes this powerful is that most couples either never discuss their desire explicitly. Right. We kind of hope that our partners will just know, or they only discuss it when something's going wrong,

or they only focus on the physical acts and miss the emotional and psychological elements, which are so fucking important for sex.

Okay, [00:41:00] so, uh, like one of my clients tried this with her partner of eight years, and she found out that he found it deeply erotic when she described her experiences with other partners. And she had been careful to avoid talking about this because she assumed that it would hurt him or bother him or upset him, right?

She was projecting her own feelings onto him. Turns out she could have been talking about it the whole time. And then another client of mine realized that their partner was turned on by planning and anticipation. Like they really liked to get juiced up, thinking about what was going to happen and the lead up to it.

And this person, um, actually preferred spontaneity. So they had years of mismatched initiation patterns. That they'd literally never talked about.[00:42:00] 

And here's something that I've noticed in like both my personal experiences and my, um, my coaching practice. Sexual connection deepens profoundly, not when we share our fantasies, but when we share our fears. Okay.

So here's another variation that you can try. Five minutes of sharing what you feel, what makes you feel sexually, um, like vulnerable or self-conscious. There's this gives this level of transparency that creates this level of transparency, creates this unique intimacy. That then transmutes the physical connection.

When you know your partner's like vulnerable spots, you can actually create safety around them, which then [00:43:00] paradoxically allows for more adventure and more exploration, right? Because you're not bumping up against the like pokey parts when you know which parts to like not. Smash into, you have so much more freedom to explore so much more space for activities

and if you're navigating multiple relationships, these like explicit desire conversations actually serve another crucial purpose. They give us help. Nope. Mm. They actually help us understand and articulate what makes each erotic connection unique. Right? What makes your connection with one partner unique and special versus your connection with another partner because.

Some things might be shared, some things might overlap, right? Like we do the same positions, or we [00:44:00] play the same sexy games, or they kiss similarly, or whatever. There are pieces of it that are unique between every single person. And so rather than like comparing partners or trying to replicate experiences, you can recognize and celebrate the like very distinct erotic chemistry that exists in each of your relationships.

You can stop trying to be everything to everyone and start appreciating the, the specific erotic connection that you share with each partner. It's like having different dance partners for different styles of dance. Each one beautiful. In its own way. It's hot, it's wonderful. It's so good. You know, and I'll, I will share something vulnerable here.

Even though I teach this stuff, even though I share these practices, I still find it challenging to express my desires explicitly and authentically. Like, like years of [00:45:00] socialization run deep, right? So if I'm struggling with it, I have no doubt that many of you are, and what helps me.

The, the little twist here that makes this really helpful is when you start with, I find it erotic when you dot, dot, dot rather than like, I want, right? This is a reframe, reframe that makes it easier to express us, to express what I want without feeling like demanding or exposed or like I'm asking for something that will be judged, right.

Like I find it so hot when you rub my body for a few minutes before you do anything else, rather than saying, God, I wish you would like touch me more, right? Yeah. Try both versions. It might be different for you, [00:46:00] right? One might feel more accessible for you than the other. Give this a shot. Try desire mapping with your partners and like drop, drop.

Drop your experiences, put a comment, you know, in the comments. Put, put some comments down there. Um, and you can be as detailed or as vague as you like, but I'd love to know how desire mapping works for you and your partners. I,

bye.