Resentment Is a Boundary Problem (And It’s Not What You Think)

If you’ve been feeling resentful in your open relationship, this episode is for you.

In Episode 147 of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why resentment in non-monogamy is rarely about jealousy or bad communication.

It’s usually about boundaries.

Specifically:

• The boundary you didn’t set
• The boundary you didn’t enforce
• Or the agreement your body never truly consented to

So many people in ethical non-monogamy confuse boundaries with rules, agreements, or ultimatums. When that happens, resentment builds quietly under the surface.

In this episode, we explore the difference between:

• Personal boundaries and relationship agreements
• Boundaries and ultimatums
• Autonomy and self-abandonment

If you’ve ever tried to be the “cool partner,” agreed to something you weren’t actually okay with, or said “I’m fine” when you weren’t… this conversation will help you see what resentment is really pointing to.

Because resentment isn’t random.

It’s information.

And it might be telling you it’s time to stop bulldozing yourself in the name of being evolved. 💜

In This Episode We Cover:

• Why resentment in polyamory often signals self-betrayal
• How confusing agreements with boundaries creates conflict
• The difference between boundaries and ultimatums in ENM
• Why enforcement is about your participation, not control
• The master question to ask when evaluating compatibility
• How to rebuild self-trust after boundary collapse

Want to Go Deeper?

I created a Patreon-only ENM Boundary Reset to help you walk through:

• Where resentment is showing up in your body
• What you agreed to that your nervous system didn’t
• How to identify your real boundary
• And what protecting yourself actually looks like

If you’re ready for implementation and integration, get it at www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

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Transcript

Speaker 0:00

What if your resentment isn't about your partner at all? What if it's about the boundary that you didn't set? Or the one you set but never enforced? If you've been feeling snappy, distant, or like quietly furious in your non-monogamous relationship or in your relationships at all, uh, this episode might sting a little, but in like a good way, because a lot of what we call like jealousy or communication issues or incompatibility is actually a boundary problem. And not in the way that you think. Okay. Hey friends, I'm Ellecia Paine, your non-monogamy relationship coach, and this is Nope, we're not monogamous. Welcome back. Today we're talking about boundaries. And not the aesthetic kind, not the like protect your energy queen, like quote card kind. Uh we're talking about the kind that make your stomach drop, that make you afraid someone might leave. The kind that that if you're really honest, you've been like wobbling around for a while. So I just finished reading Unfuck Your Boundaries by um Faith G. Harper, and it sparked a lot of thoughts and ideas. Uh, not because I didn't know what boundaries are, but because I see over and over and over again in coaching that the real issue isn't how do I set a boundary? It's why do I feel like the bad guy when I try to set boundaries? And why does resentment keep showing up even when I'm trying to be evolved and open and good at non-monogamy? So let's get into it. So, first, let's clear something up. A boundary is not a rule for someone else, a threat, a punishment, or a way to control someone's autonomy. And this might stretch you a little bit. Boundaries are not, quote unquote, ours. We don't have boundaries, okay? They are yours or mine. And I know that our like couple-centric culture loves to say we have boundaries, but most of the time what people mean is we have agreements, we've made agreements, agreements that are mutual and negotiated and structural. Boundaries are personal, they're self-governing. And a boundary answers one question: what will I do if this dynamic isn't working for me? It's not asking, what will we make other people do so we feel safe? Or how can I make them behave differently? Right? When couples say, we don't allow sleepovers, that's not a shared boundary. That's not our boundary, that's a relationship agreement. An agreement's mutual, it's negotiated, it's collaborative, it's all good. That is totally fine to have. Boundaries are personal, okay? So, so for example, the agreement, like we've agreed not to have sleepovers right now. A boundary would be if I'm in a relationship where I'm excluded from basic respect or communication, I'm not gonna stay in that relationship. So there's a difference there. One manages the structure or the container of the relationship, the other more protects your internal safety. And this is really, really important in relationships, in non-monogamous relationships, because when we call our agreements boundaries, we blur the accountability piece, right? Because if it's quote unquote our boundary, then whose job is it to enforce it? Usually this turns into uh policing each other. Now we're like watching each other for like breaking our boundary, but it's not, it's an agreement you made. But when it's your own boundary, then the enforcement becomes clean. You don't have to monitor anyone. You simply design what you're willing to participate in, what you're available for, right? That's how you have personal power without controlling other people. That's how you have autonomy without co coercing other people. And you don't enforce your boundaries by controlling people. You enforce your boundary by controlling your personal participation. So let's say, let's say your partner keeps sharing sexual details about another relationship that they have, and you don't like hearing it, you notice your body tense up every time. And an agreement might sound like like let's don't tell me details anymore. Just like don't share details. Can you can you agree to that, right? Can we agree that we won't share details about our our sex lives with other people? That's an agreement. A personal boundary might sound more like I've realized that explicit details make me feel really dysregulated. I don't like them. So if you continue to share with me without my consent, right, then I'm gonna have to leave the conversation or step away so I can protect myself. There's a shift there. You're not controlling what they do, you're controlling what you're willing to stay present for. And I know these are they're hard. They're hard because we're we're not taught to be boundaried very well in our culture. Um, another example, if your partner consistently is making plans without checking in with you and you feel sidelined, okay, the controlling move is to be like, you have to ask me before you make any plans. Kind of sucks to be told that. Like, like your partner's parenting you, like you have to ask for permission, right? That doesn't feel good for anybody. But it that doesn't change that like I still feel just like I I still feel like I'm being sidelined, right? So uh the boundary, the boundaried move here would be like if I continue to feel like I'm treated as an afterthought, I'm gonna have to reconsider whether this relationship works for me or change some of the the structure and some of the agreements that we have because I deserve to be considered, right? That's really clean. Um, that's that's self-owned. It's it's scary to do sometimes, but it's honest. So another area where people sometimes get confused, often get confused, is sometimes a boundary and an ultimatum sound identical. If you do X, then I'm gonna leave, right? That can be a boundary or it can be an ultimatum. The difference is not the way you word it, okay? It's the energy behind it. If your internal hope is this will scare you into choosing me, then you're using leverage, and that is an ultimatum. If the internal truth is I genuinely cannot participate in this dynamic and stay well, stay emotionally healthy, that's protection. And setting a boundary says, like, I'm not available for this. An ultimatum says you better change. And nobody wants to hear that. And a boundary also accepts that the other person might choose differently. Right? An ultimatum tries to engineer the outcome, but a boundary setting boundaries for yourself automatically includes the assumption that your partner is a whole healthy human who can choose yes or no for themselves, who can also hold their own boundaries. So, like, real short, boundaries protect the self, ultimatums try to control the other, right? And I know some of you are very sensitive to anything that sounds kind of controlling, especially in non-monogamy, where our autonomy matters really, really deeply. But honestly, boundaries don't remove somebody else's autonomy, they do clarify uh your compatibility. And sometimes finding out whether or not you're compatible can hurt, right? Uh, you know, it and in non-monogamy, especially, people often override themselves, override what is true for them in the name of like being involved or not being controlling, or trying to avoid couples' privilege, or proving that they're secure, or not wanting to limit someone. All good if they're true for you, but like autonomy without honoring yourself is like abandoning yourself, right? Like then resentment starts creeping in. You start keeping stuck, start keeping score, you get snappy, you feel like you're not being chosen, you fantasize about leaving, but you never say it, right? Resentment is often like this form of self-betrayal that's been left unattended. And there's no shame in that, okay? It's just like to bring awareness to what the resentment is telling you. And you might also be thinking, okay, Alicia, but like, how is saying I'll remove myself actually protective? And that's a good question. It protects your nervous system, it protects your emotional stability, your self-respect, your ability to stay connected without resentment. So if staying in a situation or a relationship means that you're constantly dysregulated, scanning for threats, overriding your nervous system, overriding your body and telling yourself that you're fine when you're not, that's not growth, man. That is self-abandonment. Okay. And sometimes protecting yourself looks like loss. And I know that that's hard, especially in non-monogamy, where we're taught to stretch and expand and work through jealousy. I know it's hard. I've done so freaking much of it. Right? So, like, yes, stretch. But don't erode yourself. Don't override what is true for you. Don't lie to yourself, don't lie to your partners. Growth that requires chronic self-betrayal is not growth. Okay. Like, there's a lot of yes, and there's a lot of fine lines and gray areas. And we have to have a lot of self-awareness, or we have to bring a lot of self-awareness to know like where are my boundaries? Where are my edges? What can I stretch and grow in? Or where is this like actually causing me harm? So let's talk about resentment. Because uh, this is kind of this is where this really matters. A lot of resentment in open, non-monogamous relationships, in relationships, period. It doesn't come from broken brand, it doesn't come from broken boundaries. It comes from confusing your relationship agreements with your personal boundaries. So when we say this is our boundary, we often mean we made an agreement, right? And agreements are healthy, they can be really healthy, they're negotiated, they're collaborative, they're structural. But the catch is if an agreement is protecting the relationship structure, but it's not protecting you, then resentment starts to grow because your body, your nervous system, does not care what you agreed to. Your nervous system cares whether you feel safe. So here's what happens, right? You say, like, we agreed to go slow, but internally you're thinking, like, I actually don't feel okay with this pace at all. Even this slow is too fast, right? Or maybe you say, like, we agreed to check in before dates. But what you actually need is more like, I need reassurance and attunement and connection afterward. So I feel like I'm still connected to you. Or maybe you have an agreement of like, we don't do overnights. But what's really happening internally is I'm terrified of being replaced and I don't know how to say that. Right. So when you rely on quote unquote our rules instead of identifying your personal boundaries, you're outsourcing your own safety to the agreement and to the relationship. So, like resentment often sounds like they should know we talked about this. This isn't what we agreed to. But underneath it is usually this feeling of like, I'm actually not okay. And I haven't taken ownership of what I need to do about that. And that's the shift. That's the part that I really want to land today. Because resentment is rarely random. Resentment is information. It's a lot of times it's showing you where your boundaries have been wobbly or where you ran right over them. And the pattern that I see all the time goes like this something feels off. So your body tightens, and then you rationalize it, and you tell yourself you're being insecure. So you agree, anyways, you say yes when you were a no, you say you're fine. I feel fine when you don't really. And then, like three months later, you're furious, you're pissed off, and now you you're feeling like the problem is them. They should have known. And sometimes the problem is them, sometimes a boundary was clearly violated. But a lot of times resentment means one of three things. A boundary was crossed, a boundary was never cleanly or clearly communicated, a boundary was communicated but never enforced. And that third one is kind of sneaky because boundaries without follow through are just preferences, right? And when you don't follow through, your nervous system learns like, I can't trust myself to protect me. And that is where your resentment starts to get sharp, right? Like, uh, an example in real life, you said you were fine with your partner going on three dates a week. You told yourself you were being supportive. Like, yeah, I'm fine, I got other things going on. But what you actually really needed or wanted in your relationship was one dedicated night of like reassurance and solid connection with them. But you never asked for that. And now you're irritated every time they grab grab their keys to go out on a date. And it's not because dating is the issue, but because you abandoned the part of you that was saying, hey, I want to feel anchored in this relationship. Okay, the enforcement piece. Let's talk about that. Because I want to clarify that you don't enforce your boundaries by controlling other people, right? You enforce your boundary by controlling your participation. So if your boundary is like, I'm not available for relationships where I feel chronically disregarded, enforcing that is not here's exactly how you should be texting me. Enforcement is if this pattern continues, I'm gonna step back, I'm gonna pause, maybe I'll leave, I'll focus my energy on relationships where I am being met in the way that I need. It's clean, it's clear, it's self-owned. And when you don't enforce it, that's when the resentment starts whispering in your ear. That's that's when the resentment starts popping up because your system now knows, like, I said I wasn't okay with this, and I stayed in this situation, anyways. That's where people start moving into self-betrayal territory, right? Resentment is is often the emotional receipt for self-betrayal. And I and I've had clients say to me, like, I keep telling my partner what my boundaries are, and they keep running right over them. And my question is always like, okay, but what are you doing when that happens? Are you staying? Are you explaining again? Are you hoping they'll finally get it? Are you hoping they actually care? Because if nothing changes on your end, your boundary isn't actually a boundary yet. It's a request. And requests are valid, but boundaries actually require movement. Okay. Uh, for example, if your boundary is like, I need my partner to speak respectfully to me. Super good boundary to have. And then they keep raising their voice, they keep yelling at you. Okay, enforcing your boundary is not please stop yelling at me. It's not telling them, stop, I told you my boundary is I won't be yelled at, right? Enforcing it is more like I'm gonna end this conversation and leave the room. I'll come back and we can talk again when we're calm. Or even if this pattern continues, I'm not gonna stay in a relationship where I'm spoken to this way. That's not dramatic. That's holding dignity for yourself, okay? And I want to be clear, this is not about blaming yourself. Okay, this is don't don't shame yourself here. This is this is about reclaiming power. Because if resentment is only about what they're doing, then you're stuck, right? What are you gonna do if if so instead resentment is showing you maybe where you've been wobbly, where you've been unclear, where you've been afraid to follow through, or where you've confused the structure with safety. Now you have agency and you can ask, what's my actual boundary here? What am I willing to participate in? What would self-trust look like right now? That's that's how you exercise your autonomy. That's how you come up with your boundaries. It's not rigid, it's not controlling, it's not punitive, it's very clear. Okay, so if you're listening to this and you're like, cool, that's great, but I'm already resentful. I'm already snapping, I already feel distant. Okay, first take a breath. Okay, resentment's not like a failure or anything, it's it's an emotional signal. And it's not proof that you're bad at non-monogamy or you're insecure, you have bad boundaries, and it's not proof that your relationship's doomed, okay? It's proof that something inside of you feels unprotected. So instead of starting with confrontation, start with curiosity. So, step one, you want to pause the blame spiral, okay? So before you go into they always do this or they never do this, or this is all because. Ask yourself, where did I override myself? Not in a shaming way, in like an investigative way. Where did I say yes when I like my belly was in knots? I was tightening inside. Where did I minimize something that really actually mattered to me, but I pretended it didn't, right? Um where did I hope that they would just read my mind, that they would just know? Because resentment is like kind of grief wearing armor. It's like grief that you didn't feel chosen. It's grief that you didn't feel prioritized, grief that you didn't advocate for yourself sooner. Okay, let yourself feel that before you start using it like a weapon and bashing your partners with it. Okay, so step two, you want to identify the actual boundary, right? So ask yourself if I stripped away the agreement, what is my personal boundary here? Now, what should they do? What will I do? Okay, is it I need slower pacing? And if that's not possible, I need to step back. Is it I need more reconnection time after dates? And if that doesn't happen, I'll have to reconsider my availability. Um, or I need exclusivity to feel secure, and if that's not aligned, I may not actually be a fit for this relationship or this relationship style. That's just giving yourself a lot of clarity, right? And then step three, you want to have a clean conversation, right? When you speak from resentment, it sounds like you don't care about me. You aren't paying attention, right? But when you're speaking from a boundary with clarity, it sounds like I'm realizing that I've been trying to be okay with something that I'm actually not okay with. And so I want to talk about what I'm available for moving forward or what we can collaborate on. You see the difference? One is attacking, one owns, one tries to control the narrative, and one is reclaiming self-trust and accountability. And step four is you want to be willing to face the consequences, the compatibility issue, right? Um this is probably the hardest part because sometimes resentment is not solved by better communication. Sometimes it's solved by accepting that that maybe things are misaligned, maybe you have mismatched values, maybe you have mismatched desires. And it doesn't mean that someone failed. It doesn't mean uh your relationship has failed. It means that your boundaries have actually clarified things for you. Uh, for example, if you realize I actually need a lot of reassurance in in co-regulation in non-monogamy, and your partner's like, I value extreme independence and minimal emotional processing, neither of you is wrong. But that matchup might not be sustainable long term, right? And that's not a boundary failure. That's like kind of a values mismatch. It's kind of a um kind of like at the core of who we are, how we want to do relationships, this might not work. And you know, resentment will keep flaring up until someone is is like actually telling the truth about where they're at, right? So, like we're like remember that boundaries protect the self, agreements protect the structure, and compatibility kind of determines whether this is sustainable at all, right? And so if resentment keeps returning after clean conversations and follow-through, that's just data that you can use. And, you know, if you're in that like sticky resentment place right now, I want you to hear this. Like, you're not crazy, you're not needy, you're not broken. You're likely someone that's been trying very hard to keep connection intact. And maybe it's time to keep yourself intact too, right? Because resentment's not the enemy. Me and an unattended resentment is. So let it guide you back to your boundaries, to what is true for you. And let your boundaries actually guide you back to self-trust. Because you get to protect your peace, you get to change your mind, you get to say, like, actually, this doesn't work for me. And that's not controlling. That's like mature, right? And if this episode is resonating for you and you want help actually identifying your boundaries, uh I recorded a guided boundary reset for my Patreon community for the supporters of the show. It's practical, it's embodied, it's deeply clarifying. And if you want to stop overwriting yourself, you can grab that over at patreon.com/slash not monogamous or grab the link in the show notes. You can come join us there. And if you need support, you need personal support untangling this in your own relationships, then this is exactly the kind of work that we do together. Uh clarity, nervous system safety, clean boundaries without coercion. You don't have to navigate it alone. Okay. You got this. You can do this. Bye.